Dear Birth Mother of our future child,
I am waiting. Waiting with excitement. Waiting with hope. Waiting with anxiety and fear too. I am waiting for the call that you want to meet us to decide if you want to place your unborn child in our family.
And yet, while I wait in that hope and excitement, I recognize this means I am waiting for what might be the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
I am so incredibly excited to welcome your baby into our family. I can’t wait to meet them, hold that sweet baby in my arms, snuggle him or her on my chest and smell that sweet baby smell.
And yet, while I am excited about all those things, I know that means your arms will be empty. That you may be grieving. That you will say goodbye to a baby who grew in your womb for months on end, a baby who knows your voice, and your movements. That you will be recovering from a pregnancy and delivery on your own.
As I wait for your baby to be in my arms, who will grow to know and love me as “mom,” that baby will be grieving in some way too. He or she will not be able to express it in words, but that baby will know that at first, I am a stranger. That baby will not know my voice or my body. He or she will be in an environment completely different from what they knew for all the time they developed—different sounds, different people.
I know that while that baby will gain a new family in us who will love them fiercely, that baby will also experience loss. Loss of you. The loss of a birth mother and a biological family. And while I can’t wait to fiercely love that baby and welcome them into our family, that loss makes my heart ache.
There is so much I want to say to you, and yet it’s so hard to find the words. I want you to know that I think you are incredibly brave and strong. I want you to know that whatever your decision is, to place your unborn child with us or not, I respect it.
Having carried babies in my own body, I cannot even imagine the decision you are faced with right now. I want you to know that I deeply respect you. I do not judge or look down on you and your situation in any way.
You are here at this point for many profound reasons, many of which I will never know. I know that I could be where you are if I had been pregnant in a different situation, born in a different family, neighborhood, had different health situations or support systems. Any of us could be in your shoes, and yet you are faced with this incredibly deep decision. It’s a choice you’ll live with the rest of your life, so I want you to know I’ll do everything I can to give you peace in that decision.
I want you to know if you choose us, I commit to fully loving this child and fully honoring you. I promise to tell them about you and speak of your courage and bravery. I promise to share pictures of you and your family if you want. I promise to teach your child about their biological culture and family heritage. I promise to speak of you with all the respect I feel for you in my heart. I promise to tell your child how and why you made your decision.
I promise to teach your child about how deeply loved they are, by you, by us, and by God. I promise to pray for them—that they would come to know Jesus from an early age and follow him all their days. That God would protect and watch over them, that they would grow up to be a light of love and grace, and that God would give us the wisdom to raise them well. I promise to do everything within my power to make those prayers a reality. I promise to give them all the love and hope for their future that you wanted for them when you chose us. I promise that I will adopt them into my heart and life as my own child.
And in that, I have to say thank you for choosing to be our child’s birth mother.
I will forever be grateful to you for carrying a baby that will be my child. For trusting me to raise your child as my own. Even while strangers, you and I will forever be connected in this deep and intense way, having shared this child and incredibly emotional experience together. You carried this baby in your body as I carry this baby in my heart, and I know you always will too.
While this may be the best decision for you and this baby, I know it still may come with deep pain and loss. Yet, it’s also filled with hope and redemption. It’s so messy. Messy and hard and beautiful all at the same time.
I am praying for you. I pray that you will have peace in your decision, comfort in your grief, and people to come around you and support you. I value you. And I wait with you.