My wife and I have amazing sex.
Now that we’ve gone there, a few disclaimers. (A) It wasn’t always that way. (B) I’m going to try my best not to make every sentence in this article a double-entendre. But it’s going to be hard (can’t say “hard”). (C) Neither of us has a perfect body. (D) It took work. (E) I was going to say “We had to work hard” but…point B.
Sex is incredible. It’s a gift from God. One of his best. Right up there with coffee, sunsets on the beach, and lenient traffic cops. And because it’s so amazing, sex gets abused. Like, pummeled. Lies and misinformation about sex are way easier to find than the truth. Nearly everything you’ve learned about sex from Hollywood, or the record industry, or Cosmopolitan, is wrong. Dead wrong. Sex won’t lead to fulfillment. It won’t make you satisfied.
I’m going to be full frontal honest with you. My wife and I shouldn’t even be having sex, let alone good sex. Nearly every card is stacked against us. We have three kids under the age of three. I work outside the home, and my job is fast-paced and demanding. My wife stays home with our kids, and her job is fast-paced and demanding. We moonlight on the weekends to make ends meet. We just moved to a new town away from our families and support system. And yet, I can’t wait to get home. The kids are going to bed early tonight, right?
God is very interested in your sex life. The Bible has loads of guidelines around it. I know, you hear the word “guidelines,” and you’re ready to check out. But I believe those guidelines exist because God wants you to have the best sex life possible. He created you so that when this piece and that piece fit together, it sends chills down your spine. That was on purpose for your enjoyment. And if he had enough insight to create us that way, maybe we should hear him out on the rest of it.
God isn’t against sex. He’s for it. Very for it. It was the first command he gave to humanity. And God’s not just for sex because of procreation. Refer to the anatomy lesson above. When you have sex so good it causes the room to spin, I believe God is pleased. It’s worshipful. He even dedicated a whole book of the Bible to it.
I honestly believe my sex life might be better than almost everyone else’s. It’s because of the eight lessons I learned below. Insights learned through trial and error, plus limping toward God’s standards, and a very patient (and hot) wife.
If you want to have mind-blowing sex (can’t say “blowing”), try these on for size.
This is a big hurdle, right out the gate. But it’s true. The best sex happens inside marriage. Why? Because that’s how God designed it. The Bible teaches that when two people come together sexually, they become one. It’s a reflection of the mystery of God - three distinct beings (Father, Son, and Spirit) that exist as one. No, I can’t fully comprehend the Trinity. But if sex sheds some light on it, I’m happy to keep doing my research.
Marriage is a necessity because rocking sex needs commitment. A deep sexual relationship with one person will always be more fulfilling than shallow relationships with many. Sex is revealing. It’s when we’re at our most vulnerable. It can even be embarrassing. And if there isn’t 100% commitment, fear will stop you from entirely giving yourself to your partner or the process.
Everything else I’ll write is built on the foundation that great sex requires a committed marriage relationship. If you like it, then you better put a ring on it.
Deal With Your Issues
As an adolescent, I was sexually abused on multiple occasions by a close friend. It messed me up around sex for a long time. My wife was the first person I told about it. At the beginning of our marriage, I wasn’t there sexually. Every touch took me back to a place of fear, betrayal, and hurt. My wife thought she was broken. But it was me. Because my issues weren’t addressed, I wasn’t able to enjoy us.
You may not identify with experiencing sexual abuse. But you do have issues around sex. And you won’t be able to cross into new territory sexually until you deal with them. This may require professional help, deep moments of prayer, or even confession. But believe me, sex goes through the roof when you can give your healed self fully to it.
One of the issues arising from my sexual abuse was an addiction to pornography that really blossomed in college. It was a self-destructive habit that I used to numb my pain. But it was only salt in a festering wound. Porn will not make your sex life better. But it most certainly will cause you to view every member of the opposite sex through an exploitative filter. It will unconsciously cause you to hold your spouse to impossible standards. It will break trust and, even worse, break hearts. Commitment is commitment. If you’re married and struggling with pornography, please reach out to someone who can help. It may not change your sex life overnight, but it is the first step in a healing journey that will reap benefits everywhere, including the bedroom.
When given a choice between being sexually fulfilled by my wife or myself, I’d much rather have my wife. But what if she isn’t willing? What if she’s had a bad day and just wants to sleep? What if I’m sleeping on the couch because I’ve been a jerk? Then I wait. Because while masturbation may get the job done, it circumvents the system designed to bring my wife and me together. The system of sex is designed to give me an incentive to stop being a jerk; it’s is about “us” and not just “me.” I want every instance of my sexual fulfillment to be tied back to my wife. By doing that, it raises the stakes and value of everything. It changes my tone of voice, my willingness to do the dishes, my desire to reconcile after an argument. If I want sex, my wife is my only choice. And I’m a better husband because of it.
Forethought Before You Foreplay
My wife loves to tell me that she’s an oven and I’m a microwave. I start heating up just thinking about her. She, on the other hand, heats up slowly. So no matter if you’re the man or the woman, give sex some forethought. How does your spouse feel loved? What matters to them? What makes them feel special, chosen, significant? With my wife, flowers never hurt. A clean house goes a long way. Bringing home a bottle of wine is a win. Giving her time off while I take care of all three kids - that’s a home run. She knows that I love when she wears lingerie. It communicates to me that I’m a priority, that she was thinking about me before we started kissing. Amazing sex at night begins from the moment you wake up in the morning. Make the coffee. Cut the grass. Bring home a surprise. Start preheating the oven early, and when it’s time to bake, it’ll be blazing.
Be Intimate Before You’re Intimate
You may be tempted to think sex is all about pleasure. And a great deal of it is. But sex is really about intimacy. And it’s most assuredly not the only way you and your spouse will feel connected. So if the intimacy of sex feels too far off, practice intimacy in other ways. Share a fear. Reveal a secret. Learn to listen. Engage a conversation you’ve been avoiding. Better yet, pray together. Sex is revealing and vulnerable. And you won’t feel safe or prepared to be that with your spouse if you’re not doing it when your clothes are on. Intimacy builds into more and increasing intimacy.
A few months back, my wife did something incredible. She asked me to name my favorite part of our romp the night before. It caught me off guard. But I also felt appreciated. She asked because she genuinely wanted to know and because she wants to repeat what pleases me. It led me to ask the same questions in return. Decompressing after sex probably feels like the least sexy option, but your spouse can’t know what you’re thinking. Talk about it. When you get an answer, you’ve got an opportunity to try the final point:
Pleasure The Other
The temptation in sex - and in all of life - is to get what you want. But if you can shift the focus to the other person, your sex life will blossom in ways it never has. Ask your spouse what she wants sexually. Is there anything he wants to try? Is there something you haven’t done in a while that would set your partner’s world on fire? Focus on him or her, and the rest will fall into place.
Now go practice. Send this article to your spouse and follow it up with a flirty text. (Hint: eggplant emoji + donut emoji does not count. You’re more creative than that.)
God is for your sex life. Give His plan a try and see what it sparks into flame. It just might be your bedroom.