I find myself looking back on 2020 and the New Year’s resolution that I made to become sober, to refrain from drinking. I truly thought that since I was serving weekly and going to church it was OK because I knew I was forgiven. But the blackouts got more frequent and the time of the first drink was getting earlier and earlier. How crafty the grip that the devil had on me. I am not out of the woods. I am still battling the lies and the shame and I still have a long way to go. I started going to a huddle group and I am learning about tools related to what my purpose and my identity is. It is bettering my life and the lives around me. I am becoming a better wife, mother, and friend. I want to tell the world what my God has done for me!
When I made the decision to become sober and to take a bold step towards that goal I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea how hard. The grip that alcohol had on me was heavy. I believed that I was no longer in control. The lies that were rolling around in my head over and over again were ‘I’m not worthy of God’s love,’ ‘It runs in my family,’ ‘I can’t stop, so what good would it do?’ In my small groups I was set free by sharing with them and allowing others into my life. By putting God first and spending intentional time praying and journaling. I will say that I defeated my Goliath with the help of God and my community.
If it wasn’t for the unwavering love and encouragement of my small group, I know I would not have made it through a whole year and pandemic sober. I was blessed to have found a support group where I felt safe and heard. Through them I found a deeper love of God and His truth. I was held accountable by them to continue to watch service and they checked in on me. We talked about my triggers and a game plan for when I felt that I needed a drink. The fact that I put alcohol above my marriage and my kids’ safety and God himself was devastating. I have felt real freedom by admitting that I needed help.
If your feelings are similar to mine, don’t feel like the place you are in has to stay that way. Please know you’re not alone and join a group! I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I heard it before but now that my heart’s posture is open, it’s like I’m hearing and seeing it all for the first time. I was reminded recently in one of my groups that God meets you where you are. If you’re like Martha, angry with him over the loss of her brother, or Mary, falling at his feet weeping, He sees you. You are enough. God’s light broke through my fog, and He can do that for you. I’m not where I was a year ago, and I still have a long way to go. If the story isn’t good then the story isn’t over! Through all of this God has given me a new life and dreams. My new dream and hope is to be debt free by the end of 2021.__ -Angela B.__