When trying to play the roles of caretaker, counselor, chauffeur, and chef (and still have time for a career or catnap), caring for myself as a mom proved difficult over the years. In fact, it even seemed wrong to put my needs before others, especially my kids. Don’t the best and most Godly parents think of themselves dead last?

I used to live that way, until it nearly cost me my life a few years ago. That’s when I learned the key to a full life as a mom (or parent). Drop the superhero act. Live like Jesus did.

To the casual observer, everything in my world looked fine for the longest time. I married my best friend, raised two great kids, and owned a successful marketing consulting business. I loved God, attended Sunday service, and went to a Bible study every Wednesday. I even volunteered at church and my kids’ schools (and most days, had lunches packed and laundry folded). My life seemed good, you might even say “normal.”

In reality, though, my existence was exhausting. I was a control freak, performance junkie, and perfectionist. As a wife, mom, employee, friend, daughter, and sister, the pressures of everyday life had me running on fumes. There just wasn’t enough of me to go around. Meanwhile, besides the few rushed moments preparing for my weekly study, my Bible mostly collected dust.

I’d pour myself out for everyone but myself. Taking advantage of “me time” (even if that meant spending time with God) felt selfish. I longed, deep in my heart, for a deeper relationship with God—or any relationship with him, for that matter—but didn’t feel like I had the time or justification to pursue it. So I kept up the hustle and bustle, kicking the can down the road, believing this was what all “good” moms did—destroy themselves so everyone else could thrive.

I was running on fumes and ignoring every dashboard warning light along the way. Something was bound to give, and it did. On my 45th birthday, I found myself in an emergency room with a mystery illness and lots of questions. Not to be dramatic, but I really thought I was going to die.

Two years and loads of tests and dead ends later, I received a diagnosis of an “incurable” autoimmune disease. This illness had robbed me of almost 20% of my lung capacity, left me with such extreme muscle weakness that I had to take breaks from something as simple as chewing food, cranked my heart rate so high it felt like I was running a marathon 24/7, and forced me to take daily two-hour naps just to get through the day.

My doctor told me that when he sees otherwise healthy women like me get this disease, it’s because they’re trying to be Superwoman (and he didn’t mean it as a badge of honor). Yikes.

I knew I had to humble myself and hang up the cape. I had to admit that I couldn’t be everything to everyone anymore. I had to lean on God to discover that my identity and worth weren’t in all the to-dos checked off my list, how well-groomed or well-behaved my kids are, or whether my house was clean (spoiler alert: it wasn’t). To survive, but also truly live, I needed a new path.

But I still wanted to be a good mom (and spouse, friend, family member). Was there a way to have a heavily impactful life and not get hospitalized for lack of self-care?

Thankfully, I learned, it’s not binary. Jesus, the most impactful person in the history of humankind, had plenty of boundaries. He said no to people. He asked for help from his friends. He took care of himself. And most importantly, He valued his identity as God’s son above all.

So began a multi-year journey of learning (and still learning) the way Jesus carried himself and imitating that behavior. While life can still be chaotic at times, I now feel more grounded than ever before. I’m loving, giving, and serving out of an overflow, not out of scraps. Want to have an impactful life while not selling your soul for the title of “world’s best mom” (or “human”)?

Here are the four things God taught me about being a mom who has purpose at the right pace:

1) Be a daughter before being a mom

“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

Before I got sick, I knew I could pray to God, but I never knew he might actually want to say something back to me as his daughter and creation. The truth is, I never allowed myself to stay still long enough to find out. I thought God was too busy to hear my prayers. It turns out I was too busy to listen to His answers.

When I got sick, I had no choice but to slow down. I was so desperate for healing, I decided to try listening. I didn’t know how to hear God’s voice, but I was willing to give it a shot. I committed to trying out the concept of spending intentional time with God.

My morning rhythm became reading a Bible passage in the Crossroads app and then using the PRAY model: Praise (thank God for all the awesome stuff he’s done in my life), Repent, (acknowledge mistakes I’ve made and ask God to forgive me), Ask (prayer requests that are on my heart), and Yield (listen to what God might want to tell me). For that last one, I set a timer for 5-15 minutes, and I talk to God. I write down what I think I’m hearing. If there’s something specific I need guidance on, I’ll ask for wisdom. Over time, I pay attention to any patterns I might be seeing.

At first, it felt impossible to carve out that much time. But when I asked for help, I started to find a rhythm. I began brainstorming with my spouse about how we could each find time to hang out with God, even for ten minutes. I also have friends and family I could ask to watch my kids for a bit. I could even (gulp) wake up a little earlier when the house is quiet.

Once I started making space for time with God, I realized how much I desperately needed it. I needed a reminder daily that I was his daughter and had inherent value, and didn’t need to prove myself as Supermom. I got to love because He first loved me, not because I needed the affirmation. It freed me, gave me peace, and allowed me to love those in my life out of an overflow of the love God had for me.

2) Mind, body, soul

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

I learned that taking care of my spiritual health was important—but so was my physical, mental, and emotional. It is all connected.

During the busiest seasons in my life, my hobbies included swinging by McDonald’s, sipping on Chardonnay, and eating Doritos like it was my job. I had to learn the hard way: What you put in your body matters. This lifestyle made me feel lethargic and less motivated to serve others (and myself). It seemed like a good time to change.

I’ve since discovered that the chronic inflammation brought on by ultra-processed food (even the ones that sound kinda’ healthy) is linked with autoimmune diseases, heart disease, certain cancers, gastrointestinal diseases, mental health diseases, Type 2 diabetes, and dementia. Something had to shift if I wanted to be around, available, and attentive to my relationship with God and others. I now focus on eating mostly whole foods and limit my processed food intake. I have way more energy, have ditched the brain fog I once had, and feel like a much better version of myself.

And taking care of my body also meant I needed to care for my mind and soul. For me, that looked like limiting screen time (especially checking work emails at night), choosing music, movies, and media that gave me joy and hope, and getting regular exercise. And per Proverbs 18:21, I consciously focused on speaking encouraging words to myself and those around me as often as possible, despite how positive or negative a situation may be.

3) Ask for help

Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” (Matthew 26:38)

Asking for help as a mom feels like it’s a one-way ticket to getting your parenting license revoked. As a mother, aren’t you supposed to know everything and be able to handle all that is thrown your way? That thinking led me to the hospital, so I started to humble myself. If Jesus himself had to ask for help at times (multiple times), then I believed I could, too.

For me, help looked like asking our kids to do their own laundry and other household chores. My husband and I reevaluated our division of labor. To get much-needed time with our husbands, my neighbor and I took turns babysitting each other’s kids.

Jesus was God in the flesh, yet being also a human, would ask for help when needed, permitting us to do so as well. Asking for help doesn’t make you a weak mom—it makes you a wise mom.

4) Learn to say “no.”

Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:15-16)

Even Jesus said no—that’s weird to think about, right? In my time of healing from running on fumes, I learned that just because I am asked to do something doesn’t mean I have to do that.

If you’re stretched too thin, take inventory of your responsibilities. What’s stressing you out the most? I started asking myself: 1) Is this to-do item necessary? 2) What would happen if this task disappeared (for good or bad)? 3) If it’s necessary, am I the person who needs to do it? I’d also be realistic and understand the season I was in. Even though I love the idea of helping out, maybe I’m in a season where volunteering at my kids’ school isn’t feasible. Or, if grocery shopping takes up too much time, I can try getting groceries delivered to my house. And for Pete’s sake, I shouldn’t feel obligated to make homemade baked goods for the school bake sale. (Unless that’s your jam, in which case, bake away!)

If your proverbial cup is empty, someone else probably needs to pour into your cup, not the other way around. When presented with an opportunity to serve others, evaluate if you have the margin. If you’re doing anything out of guilt, it’s likely not a good time to serve. If you sign up for a Meal Train—or anything else—because you’ll enjoy it and have the margin, that’s a good sign to move forward.

You get the idea. When I prioritize the tasks that God has clearly laid in front of me, I’m able to give more energy to a few, good things, rather than much less energy to an abundance of random things.

Taking off the cape

After four years of letting God take the cape off my shoulders and just be a “regular” mom, I was declared cured of an “incurable” autoimmune disease. Over that span, I realized that if my family and (many others I care about) need me to be anything first, it’s that I am healthy, whole, and full of life in Jesus. I can’t fulfill my calling as a mom if I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and barely surviving.

Ask God to show you what needs to be pruned so you can thrive. Your family likely won’t remember that you brought snickerdoodles to the school bake sale, folded those socks not-inside-out, or cleaned the mantle once a week—but what they will remember is how you were present with them and taught them that God is our ultimate source of love and joy. And that’s sweeter than any treat you can bring and more fulfilling than any reputation you get as a do-it-all mom.

I may be hanging up the cape, but the air down here is much, much lighter.

Disclaimer: This article is 100% human-generated.

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At Crossroads, we major on the majors and minor on the minors. We welcome a diverse community of people who all agree that Jesus is Lord and Savior, even if they view minor theological and faith topics in different ways based on their unique experiences. Our various authors embody that principle, and we approach you, our reader, in the same fashion. You don’t have to agree with every detail of any article you see here to be part of this community or pursue faith. Chances are even our whole staff doesn’t even agree with every detail of what you just read. We are okay with that tension. And we think God is okay with that, too. The foundation of everything we do is a conviction that the Bible is true and that accepting Jesus is who he said he is leads to a healthy life of purpose and adventure—and eternal life with God.