How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

I wouldn’t call myself an expert, but I have spent over a decade in a job that gives me the joy of interacting with hundreds of kids and their families each week. Even more than that, I’m a dad of two boys, actively finding my way through the birds and bees talks (yes, “talks.” Plural. This is an ongoing conversation, definitely not a one-and-done.)

Below are some tips and tricks I’ve discovered—or borrowed from more seasoned parents—on how to talk to your kids about sex, specifically focused on the Birth - Elementary years.

Whether you’ve started conversations around sex with your kids or not, the fact that you’re here is a great start. You’re in the right place.

Before we get to the nuts and bolts, take a second. Do you remember when you first learned about sex? I sure do.

How Did You First Learn About Sex?

For me, it was from this huge leather-bound book my parents had on their shelf. Nope, it wasn’t the Bible. It was the Encyclopedia Britannica. (For the younger parents, encyclopedias were like AI…except they were printed…and also accurate.)

Most of the encyclopedia’s pages were filled with nonstop columns of text. Boooring! But right smack in the middle were these incredibly detailed illustrations of human anatomy. (I never got much farther than volume “A”.) These pictures were anything but boring. Even as a 6-year-old sitting cross legged on the carpet, I knew I was seeing things that grown-ups called “private parts.” I’d peer at these for as long as possible until I heard footsteps coming down the hall. Then I’d shut the book and carefully put it back on the shelf, silently promising myself that I would never look at those images again.

Until I did. Again, and again, and again.

It was confusing. But also oddly compelling. My young mind was wrestling with a tension that many of us have on the topic of sex. There was surely nothing “wrong” with being curious, drawn to know more about my own body and others’...but then why did I feel like I shouldn’t tell anyone about it?

Could it have been because no one had yet told me about it?

Early and Often

Fast-forward three decades. Here I am, a dad of two boys, still noticing the same awkwardness in my gut whenever sex comes up. I’m far from perfect and I’m very much in-progress here, but here’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned:

The key to talking to your kids about sex—especially when they’re really little—is this: do it early, and often.

(And yes, I’m physically restraining myself from making that phrase into about a dozen double entendres. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.)

I’m a Millennial. Most parents my age are strongly motivated to be a “good parent,” whatever that is exactly, probably because we’ve received more messages about parenting than any previous generation.

The same is true of the “sex talk.” One of my most vivid childhood memories is when my dad took me on a weekend RV trip to a lake, just us guys, and one night he demonstrated the mechanics of sexual intercourse with a Pampered Chef knife, sharpener case…and a spaghetti noodle. (I’m not making this up. It's honestly not a bad object lesson.)

And you know what? Good on my dad! He went into that conversation with authority, thoughtfulness, and frankly, courage. Many parents shied away from the topic entirely, leaving their kids to learn all kinds of things about sex from almost any source besides a loving, close relationship with a trusted adult.

We Millennials have kids of our own now. And by golly, we’re gonna do the whole sex conversation right!

I’m not being flippant. As a person trying to model my life on the truth of the Bible, with extra attention to the words and actions of Jesus, I believe it is a good, godly desire to care for our kids well. To tell them the truth in a way that helps them love themselves, God, and others. To set them up for success, health, and virtue in all areas of life, including their sexuality.

At my church, parents are regularly encouraged to be “first to market” on all kinds of tricky things. From sex to cuss words, racial awareness to the definition of evil, we want to be the ones who introduce these concepts and ideas to our kids first. Culture has plenty of messages waiting for them. And God help us, AI and bots aren’t going away anytime soon. Getting upstream of those dynamics is a wise and good decision.

We want our kids to know they can trust mom and dad. It’s the foundation. The framework. A friend who is a profoundly thoughtful mom said it’s “giving our kids the plate that everything else gets set on.”

So, mom and dad: How do you do it? (Again, resisting the double entendre urge…)

Here are a few ideas that have worked for my family and others in my community, split up by age.

How To Talk To Your Kids About Sex - The Early Years (Birth-Preschool)

1. Call things what they are.
   Call a penis a penis; call a vagina a vagina; call a nipple a nipple. (Pause for giggles.) It’s tempting to default to cute nicknames for genitals. But part of telling our kids the truth is using plain, accurate language—even though it makes you blush. Especially when the topic is something as important as knowing their own body.

2. It’s not too early.
   Babies and toddlers are sponges. More brain development happens in the first 5 years of life (about 90%) than all the rest. As they master making eye contact and simple words, they are also learning how to trust you, to be safe and known. You can nurture that trust with every diaper change, every bath, every swaddle.

3. Say what you’re about to do before you do it.
   I just mentioned diaper changes. My wife—who is lovely, fierce, and wise—narrated every step in a diaper change. She’d literally say, “OK, buddy, I’m going to open your diaper. Can I clean the poop off your penis? OK, I’m going to clean your penis…” And so on. Why? Because it teaches consent and bodily autonomy.

4. Read them “Everyone Poops.”
   It’s a classic! Getting comfortable with that book and the simple truth preached in its title is an easy gateway toward talking with your kid about other sensitive subjects, like sex.

5. Tell your family story.
   Your kid came into being because of sex. So did you. (Even in our family, which was formed through infertility and embryo adoption—a story I’ve written about elsewhere—sex is a huge part of how the Stewart family happened.) Write down your family story with your kid as the audience, and read it to them every once in a while. Acknowledge the power and presence of sex in the story. You don’t have to make it weird by dwelling on it. It can be something simple like this: “Your mom and I had sex and because of that, nine months later, you were born!”

How To Talk To Your Kids About Sex - The Elementary Years

1. It’s not too late.
   Maybe you skipped to this section because your kids are well into school and you’re worried you missed your chance. I have great news: there’s still time! Much of what’s in the previous section applies no matter their age: use accurate language. Tell your family story. Teach consent. Maybe instead of Everyone Poops, you could read Yes Means Yes, God Made My Body Special, or God Made All of Me.

2. Use nature documentaries.
   Seriously. Some of my best conversations with my boys started because of unexpected—and a little bit hilarious—depictions of animals mating. It’s become a part of Stewart family culture. When two rhinos start going at it and my wife says, “Oh wow, boys, they’re having sex. Do you know what they’re doing?”, the boys roll their eyes and recite, “We know, Mom: they’re trying to make more rhinos.” Who knew family movie time could make talking about intercourse normalized?

3. Kindly, but directly, enforce consent.
   You can, and should, step into situations to help guide your kids as they learn to interact with others. So if playground fun gets out of hand, and a cousin doesn’t let go even when asked, you can use it as a teaching opportunity. You could say something like, “Your cousin asked you to let go of her arm. Her body is hers, and you need to respect her wishes, even during a game.” On the other hand, when your daughter shoves her younger brother to get the seat she wants at the table, you can show her consent goes both ways: “Honey, I won’t let anyone shove you around, because your body is yours. Your brother’s body is his, too, so I won’t let you shove him around either.”

4. Reclaim the virtue of being a gentleman.
   I say this as a dad raising two boys: gentleness is a Fruit of the Spirit, and being a gentleman is one of the highest callings a man can have. This idea that “boys will be boys” and thus cannot be expected to have self-control, especially when they are sexually attracted to others, is bad fruit, grown from rotten permission structures that unjustly protect aggressors and indirectly encourage predatory behavior. Other people’s bodies do not exist for males’ consumption and selfish pleasure. Real men are protectors—which is to say, they use their power to strengthen the weak and deal gently with the vulnerable. (Steps off soap box.)

Give Yourself Grace

A final word:

If you’re reading this and wincing because you’ve already said “weiner,” panicked at bath time, or missed an opportunity to teach consent, take heart. The fact that you’re worried means you’re already pointed in the right direction.

A therapist friend put it simply: forgive yourself for what you didn’t know, then go find some help. Talk to a friend, a pastor, a parent a few years ahead of you. (Not a chatbot. AI has never raised a kid.)

Another mom compared it to soccer. You start as your kid’s teammate, then become their coach, and eventually you’re the one cheering from the sideline. Along the way you’ll get a yellow card, maybe even a red one. You get back in the game anyway. And when you blow it, you can go back to your kid and say, “I said that wrong. Let me try again.” That’s another way of resetting and being “first to market.”

That 6-year-old me, on the carpet with volume “A”? He didn’t need a perfect parent. He needed someone to go first, so he wouldn’t have to hide. Same for your kid.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent…except the One who is quick to forgive us, quick to draw near, and who trusted us with His kids in the first place. Every clumsy, blushing, early-and-often conversation is practice in agreeing with the Gospel: that in our weakness, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

That’s good news for us. And it might be the best thing we ever teach our kids about their bodies: nothing about who they are needs to stay hidden.

You can do this!

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Disclaimer: This article is 100% human-generated.

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