Dads, I See You Choosing To Lose

While some dads don’t take their roles seriously, most of the dads I know are absolutely crushing it. We very well might be living in a Dad Renaissance. Has there ever been a batch of guys more in-tune with their families, willing to sacrifice, to work hard, to show up at home (and school and practice) to ensure their kids thrive?

The problem is: the dads doing the best often feel like they’re losing.

Fatherhood is the hardest thing most of us have ever tried to do. Taking responsibility for another life (or two, or three, or more) while still investing in family and friends, and holding down a job, and healing our own emotional traumas, and giving attention to our health, and developing spiritually… all in a world that is quick to point the finger but slow to say “good job?” It’s exhausting. Add to that the cultural chorus of “dads always drop the ball,” and it can feel like trying to push a boulder uphill.

So, dads, let me be the first to tell you: that feeling of losing—it’s true. You are losing. And that, I believe, is the truest sign that you’re actually winning. Winning so extravagantly that your family, your kids, and the world will be different because you chose to take an L.

I think Jesus agrees.

A Kernel of Truth

Just days before his death, Jesus was in the city of Jerusalem. It was jammed full of people, and some important out-of-towners caught a few of the disciples, hoping to get some face time with the Messiah. When the disciples told him, Jesus said something, well, kind of weird.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” - John 12:24

The disciples had to be confused. How does that answer our scheduling question?

As far as I can tell, Jesus didn’t change his plans to meet with the important people at the festival. That wasn’t his focus. Instead, he was in town to start the domino effect that would, only a few days later, lead to his arrest, crucifixion, and death.

His cryptic farming story was meant to tell the disciples that he had much bigger fish to fry. In hindsight, his meaning is obvious: He himself was the kernel of wheat, whose death would bear much fruit. But there’s also a lesson for us modern dads in it: not everything can live.

You simply cannot have a rock-hard six-pack, and be well-read, and have a balanced stock portfolio, and hold down the corner office, and coach your kids softball team, and be manicured enough to be on the cover of GQ, and start up that side-gig small business, and be emotionally regulated for your kids, and invest in deepening friendships, and train for the marathon, and spend an hour in prayer each morning, and finish the honey-do list, and hold down a job that brings in six figures, and excel at your favorite hobby, and get 8 hours of sleep all at the same time.

It’s too much. Not even Superman can handle that load.

The truth at the center of Jesus' story is meant to free us. For something good to live, something else has to die. That’s why the best dads feel like they're losing—they’re quite literally giving up so that their kids can have something better.

Old Dads

Scripture is clear that children are a gift from God; that the kingdom of God belongs to them; that we should emulate their simple faith; and that to love a child well means loving Jesus himself.

How do we do that? We choose what has to die. To quote my favorite adoptive dad: “This is the way.” And it has been from the earliest pages of scripture.

Abraham gave up his comfortable life in his homeland to chase the promise of having a son to call his own. Noah gave up his pride to build a boat to save his family. Job gave up his mornings to pray for his children. Joseph gave up revenge to reconcile with his family and set an example for his sons to follow. Caleb gave up his promised land so his daughter would have an inheritance. Mordecai gave up convenience to raise, nurture, and guide his niece, Esther, as his own child. Joseph gave up his safety to stick by the side of his pregnant teenage bride. Jairus, a leader in the temple, gave up his standing among his peers to ask Jesus to heal his daughter. Paul gave up his authority to invest in a young man, Timothy, to take his place in leading the fledgling churches.

We could keep going, but you get the point. Each of these dads—some biological, some adoptive—made the hard choice to put something to death, so that their children could live.

New Dads

Kudos to you, dads. I see you out there, giving up so your kids can thrive. While you likely won’t get accolades or recognition, the fruit you are growing will be worth every sacrifice you make.

I see you, Derek, working two jobs and still somehow managing to coach each of your daughters’ softball teams, investing not only in them but a whole generation of girls.

I see you, Dan, giving up your dream job to go corporate so your kids have the best future possible.

I see you, Keith, holding onto peace and hope through years-long health struggles so your kids see that dad can still smile through a fight.

I see you, Arturo, loving that beautiful daughter like she was your own, willing to change everything about your life, including the nation you call home, to keep your family together.

I see you, Steven, continuing to sacrifice for the good of your entire family even after the divorce papers were signed.

I see you, Chris, balancing working from home and the office so your daughter grows up knowing dad loves her more than his to-do list.

I see you, Joe, giving your time every weekend to coach baseball even after your 4AM wakeup call during the work week.

I see you, Tim, giving words of encouragement over the kids and grandkids in your path, coming against the lies of culture that say they aren’t good enough.

I see you, Kim, pulling “kids” from the prison system under your wing to make sure that, no matter their age, no man is left behind without someone to look up to.

I see you, Kyle, fine-tuning that budget to get your family out of debt and making yourself a safe place for all the kids in your preschool program to land.

I see you, Jason, giving up time and money so your girls have experiences alongside you they’ll never forget. (And, yes, I am jealous you got Noah Kahan tickets. Will you adopt me?)

These are real men, I know personally, who are choosing to lose. Their hard choices, to put the kernel of wheat in the ground so better fruit can grow, push me to do the same. What a time to be a dad.

If you know a man choosing to lose, take 30 seconds to encourage them today. Send them this article, along with a simple text that says, “I see you.” I can almost promise it’ll make their day—and get much more mileage than a tie or Home Depot gift card.

The Speed of Fruit

To every dad getting proficient at losing, happy Father’s Day. The fruit that matters most grows slowly, over a lifetime. What you’re doing, how you're showing up, what you're sacrificing, it matters. And it will pay off.

When you learn to give up, to sacrifice for the good of others, you look a lot like your dad, who gave up his most prized possession so that we, His kids, could thrive.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” - John 3:16

Dads, I see you choosing to lose. Keep going. Sometime down the road, all those L’s are going to turn into wins.

Happy Father’s Day.