Shame Is Toxic | The Cure Week 2

We’ve all heard the voice of shame. “You’ll never be good enough.” “You’re a fraud.” “They’ll never forgive you.” That voice wants to keep us paralyzed and passive for life—if we let it. Yet God offers a way out. Today Alli talks about how to walk away from the toxic voice of shame and into the freedom that God offers.

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    The voice of shame is killing us.
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    It is literally eating us from the inside out
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    and we are swallowing it, we are tolerating it.
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    And every single day we are agreeing
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    with who we are when shame tells us.
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    Navigating our current reality can feel like
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    a dangerous and terrifying jungle
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    full of snakes ready to bite.
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    But today we find the cure.
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    - What you're about to watch today
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    can literally change your life.
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    Hey, I'm Kyle, the community pastor
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    for Crossroads Church online.
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    We exist to help you get to a new place with God.
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    If you want, you can email me,
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    and I'd love to connect with you and help you take
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    the next step in your life at Crossroads.
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    We so believe that God has better for you
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    than you have right now, that we're willing
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    to do anything short of sin to help you
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    see and experience Him,
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    including sometimes wearing silly hats.
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    Let's jump into it.
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    - Hey, everyone, welcome to Crossroads,
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    I'm Hannah.
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    - I'm Kyle, and you're joining us
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    in a series called The Cure.
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    - It's the cure for all the stuff that ails us
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    like shame and apathy and depression
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    and all the stuff that contributes to that,
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    like social media influencers and fake news
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    and cancel culture, all of that.
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    - All of it and this week, we're going to be talking
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    about the toxicity of shame, that feeling of,
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    "I'm never going to be good enough.
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    I'm not good enough."
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    And if that's you, man, this week is for you.
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    - Yeah, because we're going to find it. You know why?
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    - We're going to find the cure? - I got a map.
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    - Okay. - Yeah, got it on eBay.
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    It was like four or five hundred dollars. I forget.
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    - Oh, my gosh, that much?
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    - But if we don't find the treasure,
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    we get a 50% refund within three days.
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    - Exciting. - So let's go find it.
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    - So it's here? - It's here.
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    - We've got to go now. Okay, so let's do it.
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    It's probably like a juice cleanse or something, you know.
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    - Or essential oils. - Or meditation or something.
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    - Something all the cool people are doing.
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    - Like a Smoothie King, like that or like --
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    - There it is, oh, my gosh. - Not what I was expecting.
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    - What do we do? - OK, I brought the thing.
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    - Okay, great. Like a shovel or a pick ax.
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    - Okay. No, this is not what --
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    Okay, you got that off eBay.
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    I was on Wal-Mart.com,
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    this is not what the picture looks like, dude.
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    - It's smaller than I thought it was going to be,
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    I'm going to be honest.
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    - This will be fine. Get in there. Get in there.
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    - What do we got? Oh, my gosh.
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    - Oh, there it is.
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    - Oh, we got bones of things.
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    - Like things, like - - Yeah.
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    - Okay, but that doesn't look like the cure, Kyle.
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    - No, no, we've just got trust, just trust the process.
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    - No, not that process. Okay, you know?
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    - That's what you do with it.
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    - Unfortunately it does not look like we found the cure.
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    But I think that our friend Alli
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    does have some good things to say
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    about The Cure to the Toxicity of Shame.
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    Let's catch up with her right now.
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    -Deep in the South African wild, the black mamba snake
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    is one of the deadliest in the world.
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    The snake's fangs act like a hypodermic needle,
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    injecting venom quickly and efficiently.
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    It only takes two drops of venom to spread
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    toxic poison throughout the bloodstream.
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    Luckily, if you act quickly, there is a cure
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    and you can survive.
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    First, a tourniquet is used
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    to stop the spread of the poison through the body.
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    Next, oxygen and respiratory support is given
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    because the heart and lungs are weakened
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    from the spread of toxins.
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    Finally, the antidote to the venom is injected
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    directly into the bloodstream to neutralize
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    and eventually overcome the poison that is being spread.
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    Now, while few of us will actually ever encounter
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    a black mamba, maybe even more dangerous
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    are the toxins we encounter every day.
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    Navigating our current reality can feel like
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    a dangerous and terrifying jungle full of snakes
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    ready to bite.
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    And just like a snake venom travels through our bodies
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    and attacks our organs, the poisons
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    of racial injustice and polarizing politics
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    that assault us in our news feeds
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    and social media accounts can quickly spread
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    through our minds and hearts to damage
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    and shut down our healthy thoughts,
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    beliefs, emotions, and actions.
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    The good news is that while deadly,
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    there is actually a cure to everything toxic in our lives,
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    an antidote within our reach that will restore health
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    and vibrancy to our minds and hearts.
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    Just like treating a deadly mamba bites,
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    we can cut off the poison of shame that says
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    we cannot be repaired and turn to the cure of love
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    that makes all things new.
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    When our bodies and souls are shutting down
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    under the stress of daily life, we can fill our lungs
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    with life sustaining support from the Bible,
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    the Word of God.
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    And when it feels like our broken hearts
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    will never heal and there is no hope,
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    we can inject ourselves with the truth of God,
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    the antidote that will neutralize
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    the poison affecting our entire world.
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    - The voice of shame is killing us.
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    It is literally eating us from the inside out
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    and we are swallowing it, we are tolerating it,
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    and every single day we are agreeing
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    with who we are when shame tells us.
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    Hey, everybody, I'm Alli,
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    and today we are going to talk about that voice.
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    We want to be able to hear it.
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    We want to know where it's coming into our unique lives.
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    And I want you to be able to diagnose it
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    and know the cure.
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    Jesus has the cure for shame.
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    Do you ever question the things that replay in your mind
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    like those memories you just can't quite get rid of?
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    I'm willing to bet a lot of those
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    are actually about shame.
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    Maybe you remember the first day you walked
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    in the high school weight room and you thought,
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    "Oh, crap, I don't know how to use
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    any of these machines and everyone else does."
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    Maybe you still remember the word you got out on
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    in your fifth grade spelling bee, like I do,
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    or maybe you lost your kid in a movie theater
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    and then two weeks later in the dark on Halloween.
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    Oh, wait, that was me, too.
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    These kind of stories, these kinds of experiences,
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    they want to tell us who we are because of what we did,
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    that we are in some way weak, bad, not good enough.
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    I mean, good moms don't lose their kids in movie theaters.
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    Right? And those experiences tend to lodge in our brain
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    and just kind of reverberate there.
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    They become the entry points
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    for the voice of shame in our life.
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    And you should care about silencing this voice,
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    because far too often this voice
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    is making us hide from ourselves,
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    from other people in our life, even from God.
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    Some of us hear this voice every day,
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    we look in the mirror, we hear this voice,
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    tell us who we are and we agree.
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    And we live really small lives as a result.
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    Thinking, "Yup, sounds about right,
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    and it's probably never going to be any different."
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    Some of us really don't.
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    We're actually just fine.
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    You would say today, "You know what? I'm all good.
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    I don't really think about my past too much."
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    Maybe when you look in the mirror,
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    you just don't look at those body parts.
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    You've just kind of become an expert
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    at avoiding any time that shame
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    might have something to say to you.
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    No matter which end of the spectrum
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    you kind of trend toward, shame is running the show
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    far too often in our lives.
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    You know, the Bible
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    and psychology actually agree on shame.
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    Shame is universal.
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    It is the one universal human experience.
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    I mean, there can't be any others,
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    but human beings all experience shame.
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    And it's because we're made imperfect.
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    We're made to grow and mature.
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    We live in an imperfect world steeped in sin
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    and imperfect bodies and imperfect lives,
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    which gives shame plenty of opportunities
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    when we mess up to call us "un" something unworthy,
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    unqualified, unlovable.
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    Whatever it is, shame is correlated
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    with some nasty stuff in our lives.
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    The research shows that shame is correlated
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    with all kinds of things like anger and rage,
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    depression, suicide attempts, personality disorders,
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    eating disorders.
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    I mean, you all, we are literally
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    turning against ourselves because of
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    this voice of shame that we hear all the time.
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    And to make matters worse, we've actually created
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    for ourselves a culture today that we all live in
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    where shame can absolutely thrive: cancel culture, right?
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    It's the new thing, the new phenomenon,
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    at least our new term for it anyway.
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    And what is the definition exactly?
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    Let's just say the definition of cancel culture together.
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    The definition is:
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    Canceling is something we've watched go down
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    in our culture over the last year
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    like maybe never before.
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    You know what happens.
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    It starts with an accusation.
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    It doesn't even really have to be true.
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    It could be without merit completely.
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    And then a critical mass of people jump on board
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    quick to judge and really slow to ask questions.
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    Guys, this is practically a recipe for shame
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    to overtake our lives.
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    The threat of judgment, random accusations,
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    lack of compassionate understanding,
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    and a super high cost of screwing up.
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    And that's exactly why you and I today,
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    we have got to get the Good News from Jesus about shame,
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    because He actually brought great news for us,
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    even in the middle of a culture like this.
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    You and I, we are not canceled for our sin.
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    Jesus doesn't have the least bit of interest
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    in punishing you forever more
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    for all the screw ups in your past.
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    He actually says that your sins can be forgiven,
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    gone, wiped away, and He goes even further
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    when it comes to shame.
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    What could be further than freedom?
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    Well, He says He can turn the very places
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    that you and I are so desperate to hide from other people,
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    the very places of our shame,
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    He can turn into the richest connection with Him
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    and with other people.
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    Jesus promises freedom from our shame.
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    It is possible.
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    But we first have to figure out
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    how exactly is it getting into our lives.
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    So we're going to make a diagnosis.
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    I really want you to be able to make a diagnosis
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    about where shame is coming into your life.
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    And it comes through all kinds of doorways.
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    I mean, it will walk through any doorway
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    that we give it in our lives.
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    And listen, who doesn't love a good diagnosis, right?
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    This is going to be fun.
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    My son came to me a couple of weeks ago
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    and I don't know if you do what I do
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    when I want to diagnose something that's happening
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    to me or one of my kids.
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    I take a picture of it. I Google it.
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    I compare it to things I find online.
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    I actually send it to anyone
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    connected to anything medical.
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    If you're a doctor or nurse in my life,
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    you have a picture of my kid's rash on your phone
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    probably right now.
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    But that's what I did. I looked at other pictures.
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    I was like, is it more gold or pink?
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    Is it raised or flat? Is it in patches? Is it itchy?
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    You're scratching something right now, aren't you?
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    Just love to talk about rashes.
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    But seriously, let's do that with shame.
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    Let's get in there. Let's zoom in on it.
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    Let's take a picture of it.
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    Let's really get acquainted with how it looks
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    and feels so that we can see what it's doing
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    inside of us and inside of our lives.
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    And maybe you think I'm going too far
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    with this whole diagnosis thing but, man,
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    I just think we're so used to it,
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    we don't even realize it shouldn't be normal.
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    We shouldn't feel like this all the time.
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    We don't have to.
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    So what happens when shame hits us?
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    How does it look and feel?
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    Well, on the inside, I mean, you know this.
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    You've felt it just like I have.
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    It's like this intense wave of emotion.
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    It's a warm rush, like a flood that leaves
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    in its wake that terrible feeling of being exposed,
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    like you've been found out.
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    Just like when I zoomed in on my kids rash,
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    shame does that too.
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    It zooms in on any kind of flaw, any kind of mess,
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    any kind of imperfection, any kind of sin.
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    And we become convinced that that little square
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    that we're zooming in on,
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    that's actually all of who we are.
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    That's what shame wants to tell us, "That's it.
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    That's who you are." And worse yet,
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    "That's all anyone else in your life sees either."
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    So what do we do?
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    We do things like we don't look people in the eye,
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    we wish the ground would just kind of swallow us up,
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    right, when that wave of shame kind of washes over us?
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    We don't want to be anywhere near other people.
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    I know that you've been there.
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    I certainly have, and my word
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    for the impact on my life is paralyzed.
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    Shame stops all forward movement.
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    It makes us really small.
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    It keeps us really quiet
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    and it is suffocating the life that God made you for.
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    Any good diagnosis also has to rule stuff out. Right?
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    Like it's not that.
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    When I did the rash with my with my son,
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    I was like, "Oh, good. It doesn't look anything like
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    some of those terrible things that I'm seeing."
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    One of the most important things
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    that we have to understand that shame is not
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    is shame is not guilt. Shame is not guilt.
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    Guilt is about what we did.
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    Guilt focuses on behavior.
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    Guilt says you did something
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    and shame says you are something.
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    Shame says you are something because of what you did.
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    Now God wants us to deal with our guilt.
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    He wants us to deal directly with
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    our behavior when we sin.
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    And Acts 3 actually tells us exactly how to do that.
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    Act 3:19 says:
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    God does not want us to pretend that we're not guilty.
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    Sometimes we feel guilty because we are guilty
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    and we need to deal with that behavior, and guilt,
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    we can deal with it.
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    And there's an end to it.
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    We can apologize. We can repair, we can pay the fine.
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    I know that there are lingering consequences
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    in our life sometimes because of our guilt.
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    But God's intention, end of the day,
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    is to wipe it out and to bring refreshing.
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    With shame, oh, no,
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    you don't get off the hook that easy with shame.
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    No end in sight, my friends,
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    because that is now who you are.
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    When shame comes over us, we all feel it the same.
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    But it gets in through all kinds of different doorways.
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    Now, I'm going to tell you a few
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    and I don't want you to think I'm trying to diagnose you.
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    I don't want to stereotype you.
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    But all I want to say is you've got to think about this.
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    You've got to get wise to how shame is coming in.
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    Which doorways is it using in your life?
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    And there are some common ones that we understand
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    are really pretty common for men in our time
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    and for women in our culture right now.
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    And I don't think any of you are going to fit this perfectly.
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    I know shame has its own way with all of us.
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    But women, I think that you're going to understand
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    what I mean when I tell you that
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    shame really goes through, for a lot of women,
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    the doorway of do it all perfectly.
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    You have a ton of different roles in your life
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    and you're supposed to hit them all at 100% all the time,
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    even when they directly contradict one another.
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    You're an employee or a boss.
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    You're a girlfriend or a wife.
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    You're a friend, a daughter, a mother,
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    a keeper of all the things.
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    And you need to workout and eat
  • 00:17:07
    and cook like Martha Stewart and break glass ceilings
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    and organized like Marie Kondo at home.
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    And you better be kicking booty at all of it,
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    I mean, 100% all the time and you'll figure it out.
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    I mean so-and-so does, why can't you?
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    Shame will take any doorway, any doorway that we give it.
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    Now men, I realize I'm kind of on a limb here,
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    but I have read and I do understand.
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    And at the risk of like reverse mansplaining or something,
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    I just want to mention a few of the things
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    I think are common to the shame stories
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    that are maybe in the life of some of the men.
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    And men, your doorway could maybe be said
  • 00:17:47
    to one sentence, and that is: don't be weak.
  • 00:17:52
    Don't be weak.
  • 00:17:53
    Shame loves to talk to men about weakness of any kind.
  • 00:17:56
    I understand that some of you have stories of shame,
  • 00:17:59
    like for real shame around not knowing
  • 00:18:02
    the size of your tires or the technical name
  • 00:18:05
    for what's wrong with your HVAC,
  • 00:18:06
    especially if the guy asking you
  • 00:18:08
    has a lot of hair or a lot of muscles.
  • 00:18:11
    Shame loves to talk to men about being weak.
  • 00:18:15
    Anxiety at the urinal, anyone? In bed?
  • 00:18:19
    Obviously, strong men don't have that problem.
  • 00:18:23
    And maybe in public, your girlfriend, your wife,
  • 00:18:27
    your sister, your mom looked braver, stronger,
  • 00:18:30
    better at something than you.
  • 00:18:33
    What a nightmare, especially in front of other men.
  • 00:18:36
    Shame loves that.
  • 00:18:38
    Shame would love to say, "Yeah, sounds about right.
  • 00:18:41
    You're weak like that. Not good enough."
  • 00:18:44
    Now some of us see this coming
  • 00:18:45
    and we just avoid these situations altogether.
  • 00:18:48
    We know exactly, maybe even instinctively,
  • 00:18:51
    where shame is going to speak to us
  • 00:18:53
    and we just won't go there.
  • 00:18:54
    We don't want to hear it.
  • 00:18:55
    And we kind of know at the end of the day
  • 00:18:57
    it's just going to turn against us,
  • 00:19:00
    so we just won't do it.
  • 00:19:03
    But there's one door where we all have for shame
  • 00:19:06
    that we can't do that with, we cannot avoid it,
  • 00:19:09
    and it's called our past.
  • 00:19:11
    Our past, this is the common doorway for all of us,
  • 00:19:14
    because we all have one and none of them are perfect.
  • 00:19:17
    Some of us our biggest doorway for shame
  • 00:19:20
    is a really big gaping hole in our past.
  • 00:19:24
    We failed and it was awful and everybody knew about it.
  • 00:19:29
    And even still today,
  • 00:19:31
    shame will just not shut up about it.
  • 00:19:36
    Even when you paid the price, even when you fixed it,
  • 00:19:40
    even when you knew you were forgiven,
  • 00:19:42
    and that's because shame requires a different cure.
  • 00:19:46
    Nearly 20 years ago, I had an affair.
  • 00:19:51
    I've talked about it before and it's awful.
  • 00:19:55
    It's a terrible story.
  • 00:19:56
    It's probably the worst moment of my life
  • 00:19:59
    without question, and it's not fun to bring up again.
  • 00:20:04
    I actually hate it. I hate that part of my life.
  • 00:20:07
    I hate who I was.
  • 00:20:08
    I hate that part of my story.
  • 00:20:10
    I would give anything to change it, anything.
  • 00:20:15
    And I can't,
  • 00:20:16
    so it's the perfect thing for shame to feed on.
  • 00:20:22
    Shame feeds on three things:
  • 00:20:29
    secrets, silence, and judgment.
  • 00:20:31
    And believe me, in an affair, there is plenty
  • 00:20:34
    of all three of those things to go around.
  • 00:20:39
    Even after confessing, even after doing
  • 00:20:42
    the hard work of repentance and restoration
  • 00:20:46
    and counseling and rebuilding, all of that,
  • 00:20:49
    it didn't matter.
  • 00:20:50
    I was still completely shut down
  • 00:20:53
    by the voice of shame in my life.
  • 00:20:56
    I had convinced myself in my mind
  • 00:21:00
    that being ashamed was humble.
  • 00:21:03
    That surely if I couldn't change
  • 00:21:05
    this awful part of my life, the least I could do
  • 00:21:09
    was feel bad about it, to pay the penance
  • 00:21:12
    of living in shame for the rest of my life.
  • 00:21:15
    It actually seemed right because
  • 00:21:18
    there really wasn't any doubt in my mind,
  • 00:21:21
    or anyone else's,
  • 00:21:22
    that I had failed in the worst possible way.
  • 00:21:25
    Maybe you have one of those.
  • 00:21:28
    Do you have a public failure of your business?
  • 00:21:31
    Have you disappeared into rehab for 30 days?
  • 00:21:33
    You got those abortions?
  • 00:21:34
    You drained someone's college account with your gambling?
  • 00:21:37
    Something you and pretty much
  • 00:21:38
    everyone else in your life agrees was awful.
  • 00:21:42
    Seriously, what do you do?
  • 00:21:45
    What do you do now?
  • 00:21:47
    There's no changing that part of your story,
  • 00:21:50
    and that is why shame absolutely loves it.
  • 00:21:54
    And for me, I lived really small for a long time.
  • 00:22:00
    I was terrified of just confirming again
  • 00:22:03
    what I knew everybody else already thought,
  • 00:22:07
    and I agreed with them.
  • 00:22:08
    I kept very few friends,
  • 00:22:10
    I would not allow for any kind of deep connections,
  • 00:22:14
    and I completely hid from any kind of exposure.
  • 00:22:18
    But the more I move toward Jesus in my life,
  • 00:22:22
    the more I began to believe what He said in the Bible,
  • 00:22:28
    that I was actually a new creation.
  • 00:22:31
    That's what He says, that when I come to Him,
  • 00:22:33
    I'm a new creation.
  • 00:22:35
    And it really called into question
  • 00:22:37
    this voice inside me that was saying
  • 00:22:39
    all kinds of things about who I really was
  • 00:22:42
    because of what I'd done.
  • 00:22:45
    Shame and its voice started to feel
  • 00:22:48
    really inconsistent with the Word of God.
  • 00:22:52
    More years went by for me, and I felt like
  • 00:22:54
    God was urging me toward the church.
  • 00:22:57
    And then even years after that towards seminary,
  • 00:22:59
    where shame would be happy to take a run at me again
  • 00:23:02
    and say, "Who do you think you are here?
  • 00:23:05
    Nobody else has this story.
  • 00:23:07
    You are disqualified, absolutely unworthy."
  • 00:23:13
    Shame does not give up.
  • 00:23:15
    Shame will not stop talking.
  • 00:23:19
    Even today when I give a message like this,
  • 00:23:21
    I hear, 'Why are you talking about this again?
  • 00:23:25
    You're just going to look terrible again.
  • 00:23:28
    It would be better to just not say anything
  • 00:23:31
    about it ever again."
  • 00:23:34
    And I have to say no to that.
  • 00:23:38
    I have to say no to that,
  • 00:23:39
    because shame thrives in silence.
  • 00:23:42
    Shame thrives when things are secret.
  • 00:23:44
    Our past doesn't have to come up every day,
  • 00:23:46
    and believe me, I am so grateful for that.
  • 00:23:48
    But any time our goal is to lock something down
  • 00:23:52
    and push it away and make it a secret,
  • 00:23:55
    then shame is going to have its way with us.
  • 00:23:59
    Shame is always going to want to make things
  • 00:24:02
    a secret again, because it's in that moment
  • 00:24:05
    that we start to fear the judgment
  • 00:24:07
    of everyone else all over again.
  • 00:24:10
    Like recently when I made a new friend, you know,
  • 00:24:13
    as a grown up that doesn't happen all that often.
  • 00:24:16
    I mean, I love my friends,
  • 00:24:17
    but new ones don't come along all that often,
  • 00:24:20
    is all I'm saying.
  • 00:24:21
    And I got to know this new person in my life
  • 00:24:23
    and she's awesome.
  • 00:24:24
    And we were just chatting on a run one day
  • 00:24:25
    and she said, you know,
  • 00:24:26
    we were talking about something relevant.
  • 00:24:28
    And she said, "I could forgive my husband
  • 00:24:31
    for a lot of things, maybe almost anything.
  • 00:24:34
    But the one thing I could not forgive him for
  • 00:24:36
    is an affair. That's just a deal breaker for me."
  • 00:24:47
    I died a little inside because I walked away thinking,
  • 00:24:51
    "I really like that person
  • 00:24:53
    and shame is telling me, 'Forget it, forget it,
  • 00:24:57
    you can't be friends, you can't tell her your story.
  • 00:25:00
    You're going to have to keep it away from her
  • 00:25:02
    because she'll just be like everyone else
  • 00:25:05
    and she will judge you.'"
  • 00:25:06
    And that's exactly what shame wants us to think.
  • 00:25:10
    And we have to say no.
  • 00:25:13
    Shame thrives on even the threat of judgment,
  • 00:25:16
    even if we think we might be judged for it.
  • 00:25:19
    And when we agree and we lock up our stories,
  • 00:25:22
    all the things that have caused us shame in our life,
  • 00:25:25
    it doesn't go away.
  • 00:25:26
    Silence is not the cure for shame.
  • 00:25:29
    The voice of shame gets louder when we do that.
  • 00:25:31
    I have not heard the last of shame, and neither have you.
  • 00:25:34
    I just slowly started to realize that shame
  • 00:25:37
    was this completely separate thing with its own cure.
  • 00:25:41
    And it starts with identifying the voice and saying, "No."
  • 00:25:47
    No with my words and no with my life.
  • 00:25:50
    Shame is a parasite that feeds on your agreement with it.
  • 00:25:55
    And it is time to stop,
  • 00:25:57
    God has something so much better for you.
  • 00:26:04
    - Shame hits us all differently,
  • 00:26:05
    but we all experience it and there's incredible hope
  • 00:26:09
    in Alli's story and in our lives.
  • 00:26:10
    - Hey, if you're struggling with shame
  • 00:26:12
    and you want to get help, we're here for you.
  • 00:26:15
    We would love to talk with you and to pray with you.
  • 00:26:18
    - And by we we mean us, really. - Yes.
  • 00:26:20
    - You can email me Kyle.Ranson@Crossroads.net.
  • 00:26:23
    - Or you can chat with me at Hannah.Sheppard@Crossroads.net.
  • 00:26:27
    Or you can chat with us at Crossroads.net
  • 00:26:29
    by clicking the chat button in the lower right corner.
  • 00:26:32
    - Now we're able to be there for you
  • 00:26:34
    and get you support and help because of people
  • 00:26:36
    who have partnered with us to spread this message of hope.
  • 00:26:39
    If you want to do that, you can jump in
  • 00:26:41
    and give a Crossroads.net/give.
  • 00:26:43
    The money goes to some incredible things.
  • 00:26:45
    - Absolutely. So let's pick back up with Alli
  • 00:26:48
    and learn more about The Cure from Shame.
  • 00:26:58
    - God is not interested in canceling you.
  • 00:27:00
    He wants you free.
  • 00:27:02
    He is not the one who is shaming you.
  • 00:27:05
    Let me say that again:
  • 00:27:06
    God is not the one who is shaming you.
  • 00:27:10
    As a matter of fact, He sent His Son Jesus
  • 00:27:12
    to make a clear way available for you
  • 00:27:15
    to escape the voice of shame in your life.
  • 00:27:18
    I want you to listen to the incredible words of Romans 8
  • 00:27:21
    for anyone who will come to Jesus for their freedom:
  • 00:27:45
    Jesus's death and resurrection means
  • 00:27:47
    the charges against you and me, they're dismissed.
  • 00:27:51
    The voice that's telling you them day after day
  • 00:27:54
    and who you are because of it, he is a liar.
  • 00:27:58
    And shame is not God's discipline for you.
  • 00:28:00
    It's not you getting what you deserve.
  • 00:28:02
    It's not you being humble.
  • 00:28:03
    Shame is not your life sentence from God.
  • 00:28:06
    He wants you free, just like Jesus came to free
  • 00:28:09
    one of His friends who was absolutely paralyzed in shame.
  • 00:28:13
    Peter was his name.
  • 00:28:15
    He was one of Jesus's two closest friends,
  • 00:28:17
    and he was a big, bold guy.
  • 00:28:20
    And Jesus absolutely loved him like that.
  • 00:28:23
    They had the Last Supper, the last dinner together
  • 00:28:26
    before the night that Jesus died.
  • 00:28:29
    When Jesus announced at dinner
  • 00:28:30
    that Peter's faith was going to get tested.
  • 00:28:32
    And Peter kind of pushed back and he was like,
  • 00:28:34
    "No, no, no, I'm good.
  • 00:28:36
    As a matter of fact, I love You and I would die for You.
  • 00:28:38
    I'll do anything for You."
  • 00:28:40
    He gives this big pronouncement of his faith to Jesus,
  • 00:28:43
    and just hours later, Peter denied Him three times.
  • 00:28:49
    He watched Jesus get arrested
  • 00:28:50
    and three times in the courtyard
  • 00:28:52
    where Jesus was being held, Peter denied even knowing Him.
  • 00:28:57
    He failed God, he failed his friend
  • 00:29:00
    at the worst possible time, and he failed himself.
  • 00:29:03
    He did exactly the opposite of his very own words.
  • 00:29:07
    And worse yet, they never got to speak again.
  • 00:29:10
    Jesus went and He died on the Cross the next day,
  • 00:29:13
    and Peter went into a life of shame.
  • 00:29:17
    Can you even imagine the shame?
  • 00:29:22
    Until that is, Jesus came back to set them free.
  • 00:29:27
    Listen to their exchange in John 21:
  • 00:30:10
    So here he is, it's the resurrected Jesus, He is back.
  • 00:30:15
    And He came specifically to get His friend out of his shame.
  • 00:30:22
    Jesus didn't give him a pithy saying.
  • 00:30:24
    He didn't give him good teaching bullet points.
  • 00:30:26
    He actually did the cure.
  • 00:30:29
    Jesus modeled the cure for shame
  • 00:30:32
    when He sat down with His friend and connected.
  • 00:30:35
    We will always need connection
  • 00:30:38
    to be a part of our cure for shame.
  • 00:30:41
    And not just any kind of a connection,
  • 00:30:44
    courageous connection.
  • 00:30:45
    The only reason that I am happily married today
  • 00:30:48
    to the same great guy 21 years later
  • 00:30:51
    is because of connection.
  • 00:30:53
    The closer I got to God,
  • 00:30:54
    the more I realized I can't hide from this.
  • 00:30:57
    I've got to connect with God,
  • 00:30:58
    I've got to connect with others.
  • 00:31:00
    And dealing with shame is always
  • 00:31:01
    going to require that of us.
  • 00:31:03
    We are always going to need real connection,
  • 00:31:05
    because what we really want to do is hide
  • 00:31:07
    and we've got to do the opposite.
  • 00:31:09
    You are going to have to connect with a friend
  • 00:31:11
    to break through shame.
  • 00:31:13
    You're going to have to sit down in chairs
  • 00:31:15
    and you're going to have to tell the story
  • 00:31:18
    of what's making you ashamed.
  • 00:31:19
    And Jesus came as that friend for Peter,
  • 00:31:22
    just like only a good friend can do for you.
  • 00:31:26
    He came and He went to Peter and He wanted him free.
  • 00:31:30
    And the first thing He made him do was
  • 00:31:31
    to look straight at his failure.
  • 00:31:32
    We can only take that from our best friend, right?
  • 00:31:36
    And that's what Jesus made Peter do.
  • 00:31:39
    His first question was, "Do you love me more than these?"
  • 00:31:43
    Almost certainly He was trying to make Peter
  • 00:31:46
    remember his own words from dinner,
  • 00:31:48
    "That even if these guys fall away, I won't."
  • 00:31:51
    Jesus made him look it straight in the face.
  • 00:31:55
    To be free of shame, we cannot hide from it.
  • 00:31:58
    The next thing that Jesus made Peter do
  • 00:32:00
    is repeat his answer three times.
  • 00:32:02
    Maybe you even got tired of listening to me
  • 00:32:04
    read their interaction because it was repetitive.
  • 00:32:08
    He did it three times.
  • 00:32:09
    And he happened to do it the same number of times
  • 00:32:12
    that Peter denied him.
  • 00:32:14
    Did you notice something broke on the third time?
  • 00:32:19
    Jesus knows how far down our shame is.
  • 00:32:22
    He knows how to get it to the surface.
  • 00:32:24
    He knew Peter was hiding and He pushed until it broke.
  • 00:32:27
    And I hope you heard it, even in Peter's response
  • 00:32:29
    as it was recorded, he said,
  • 00:32:30
    "Lord, you know that I love you."
  • 00:32:33
    And maybe he was thinking, "Why are you doing this to me?
  • 00:32:35
    Why are you punishing me?"
  • 00:32:37
    But Jesus wasn't punishing him.
  • 00:32:39
    He was just going, reaching all the way down
  • 00:32:42
    in to the very depth of his shame.
  • 00:32:44
    And it took multiple times until it broke on the surface.
  • 00:32:49
    And last Jesus called Peter, also three times.
  • 00:32:52
    He called him back to the life that He really had for him.
  • 00:32:57
    He wanted Peter to be that big, bold guy
  • 00:33:00
    with big, bold faith.
  • 00:33:01
    He didn't want him to stay hidden.
  • 00:33:03
    He was basically saying, "Come out,
  • 00:33:05
    come back to who you are.
  • 00:33:07
    Don't stay in this tiny little place."
  • 00:33:09
    And I guarantee you, without this interaction,
  • 00:33:12
    Peter would have lived small.
  • 00:33:14
    He would have gone back to fishing.
  • 00:33:16
    He would have had a quiet, hidden life of shame
  • 00:33:18
    for his absolute failure.
  • 00:33:21
    But Jesus would not have it.
  • 00:33:22
    And He doesn't want it for you either.
  • 00:33:25
    Jesus is calling you to come out of your shame,
  • 00:33:31
    and the cure is courageous connection.
  • 00:33:34
    That is the only cure for shame.
  • 00:33:36
    You're going to have to open your mouth.
  • 00:33:37
    You're going to have to sit with a friend
  • 00:33:39
    and you're going to have to tell the story
  • 00:33:41
    that is causing you that private, awful shame.
  • 00:33:45
    That's the only thing that's going to change
  • 00:33:47
    the voice that you hear in the mirror.
  • 00:33:48
    It's the only thing
  • 00:33:49
    that's going to break it on the surface.
  • 00:33:51
    In this cure there's a couple of things
  • 00:33:54
    we have to talk about.
  • 00:33:55
    And given the name, it won't surprise you.
  • 00:33:57
    The first one of those is that courage is required.
  • 00:34:00
    In courageous connection,
  • 00:34:02
    courage is going to be required of you.
  • 00:34:04
    So get ready for it because
  • 00:34:05
    it's baked right into the title of the antidote.
  • 00:34:08
    You're going to be unsure.
  • 00:34:10
    You are not going to want to do it.
  • 00:34:12
    You're going to be unsure and afraid,
  • 00:34:15
    and you're going to have to talk anyway.
  • 00:34:17
    There's no halfway.
  • 00:34:19
    If you want out, it has to come all out,
  • 00:34:22
    absolute open acknowledgment,
  • 00:34:24
    not the yada, yada, yada version.
  • 00:34:26
    You know that version where you say,
  • 00:34:27
    "You know, friend, I did the thing
  • 00:34:30
    with the guy in the place." Not that version.
  • 00:34:32
    No one understands better than me how awful this feels,
  • 00:34:36
    how scary this is for you.
  • 00:34:38
    I wish I could give you a hug myself, to be honest.
  • 00:34:41
    I wish there was another way, and there's not,
  • 00:34:44
    so don't bother waiting until you feel ready.
  • 00:34:47
    There's a shame researcher, her name's Brene Brown.
  • 00:34:49
    Her stuff is awesome.
  • 00:34:52
    And she says this, I love this quote from her. She says:
  • 00:34:55
    You learn courage by couraging.
  • 00:34:57
    Courageous connection requires couraging,
  • 00:35:01
    and you only learn how to do it one way.
  • 00:35:03
    The other thing you have to know about the antidote,
  • 00:35:05
    this courageous connection antidote for shame,
  • 00:35:08
    is that not only courage is required,
  • 00:35:10
    but connection is required, and not with your dog,
  • 00:35:15
    with humans, as many times as it takes.
  • 00:35:18
    Maybe you lost your kid at the movie theater, too.
  • 00:35:21
    And you and I, we can just sit down
  • 00:35:23
    and have a cup of coffee.
  • 00:35:24
    You can tell me real quick about it and, you know,
  • 00:35:27
    we'll be done with it. That would be great.
  • 00:35:29
    But I'm telling you,
  • 00:35:30
    the deeper and longer your shame is in there,
  • 00:35:34
    the more times of connection you may need to get over it.
  • 00:35:38
    It may need to happen more than once.
  • 00:35:41
    Not only do we see this model with Jesus
  • 00:35:43
    when He came at Peter three different times
  • 00:35:46
    on the same issue,
  • 00:35:48
    but I actually talked to a psychologist about shame
  • 00:35:50
    and she told me something fascinating.
  • 00:35:53
    She said the research shows that three times
  • 00:35:56
    is actually a really big deal.
  • 00:35:58
    I kind of hope you're wowed by that.
  • 00:35:59
    Turns out Jesus and modern psychology agree
  • 00:36:02
    that three times is a really important number
  • 00:36:05
    for breaking the grip of shame.
  • 00:36:08
    She said you actually start to feel lighter.
  • 00:36:11
    Can you imagine this grip loosening,
  • 00:36:14
    like being shaken loose?
  • 00:36:17
    Revelation 12 talks about the power of our own words
  • 00:36:21
    in this process of getting free, it says:
  • 00:36:37
    Shame, guys, shame is an accusation
  • 00:36:40
    from the very enemy of God,
  • 00:36:42
    accusing you of being somebody that you're not.
  • 00:36:48
    Shame wants to tell you who you are
  • 00:36:50
    because of what you did.
  • 00:36:51
    And if you want victory over it,
  • 00:36:53
    you are first going to need the blood of the Cross.
  • 00:36:56
    Jesus's payment at the Cross means
  • 00:36:58
    there is no condemnation for you.
  • 00:37:00
    You are not who shame says that you are.
  • 00:37:03
    You are a new creation in Christ.
  • 00:37:05
    And once you know you've been forgiven,
  • 00:37:07
    once you understand what the blood of the Cross
  • 00:37:10
    really did for you, then the enemy knows
  • 00:37:12
    he only has one play left,
  • 00:37:14
    one play in his playbook with you, and it is shame.
  • 00:37:17
    It is to try to tell you something different.
  • 00:37:20
    If you want to break the accusations
  • 00:37:22
    that shame has spoken over you,
  • 00:37:24
    then you're also going to have to use
  • 00:37:26
    the word of your testimony.
  • 00:37:27
    You're going to have to open your mouth
  • 00:37:29
    and you're going to have to speak it out
  • 00:37:31
    and not shrink from it, not hide from it, not conceal it.
  • 00:37:34
    If you want out, you've got to go all in.
  • 00:37:37
    And the death blow, the death blow to shame, you all,
  • 00:37:41
    is dealt when you courageously connect
  • 00:37:43
    with another imperfect person.
  • 00:37:46
    Another person who's going to listen to your story
  • 00:37:48
    and they're going to look you in the face
  • 00:37:51
    and they're going to say the two little words
  • 00:37:53
    that shame cannot survive.
  • 00:37:55
    They're going to say, "Me too."
  • 00:37:58
    We have to hear these words.
  • 00:38:00
    We have to hear other people tell us,
  • 00:38:02
    "I feel you. I've been there.
  • 00:38:05
    I've had my own."
  • 00:38:08
    We have a tendency to think that talking like this
  • 00:38:11
    is weak, because it kind of exposes us, it lays us bare.
  • 00:38:15
    But nothing could be further from the truth.
  • 00:38:16
    It is the height of courage, the absolute height of it,
  • 00:38:20
    and it's the way that you fight.
  • 00:38:22
    If you want out of shame, you got to go all in.
  • 00:38:25
    You go all in on Jesus and then you go all in on His cure,
  • 00:38:29
    the cure of courageous connection.
  • 00:38:32
    I've got a challenge for you.
  • 00:38:34
    You've got three months and in three months,
  • 00:38:36
    I want you to tell your shame story,
  • 00:38:38
    the one that you don't want to talk about,
  • 00:38:40
    the one you've been thinking about this whole time,
  • 00:38:43
    I want you to tell it to three different people,
  • 00:38:45
    three different times and loosen its grip.
  • 00:38:48
    Because when we receive the forgiveness of Christ,
  • 00:38:51
    we're free.
  • 00:38:53
    And we need to speak that out so that shame can be broken,
  • 00:38:57
    that the enemy will lose his grip on you.
  • 00:39:00
    Freedom is waiting for you
  • 00:39:02
    on the other side of courageous connection.
  • 00:39:06
    I want you to say yes.
  • 00:39:08
    I so desperately want this for you.
  • 00:39:10
    Right now we're going to worship together,
  • 00:39:13
    and when we do, I want you to practice saying yes.
  • 00:39:15
    And maybe you're not all the way to a yes yet.
  • 00:39:18
    And I really want you to get there
  • 00:39:20
    and the words of this next song are going to help you.
  • 00:39:22
    I want you to stand up, if possible,
  • 00:39:25
    and I want you to practice saying yes to Jesus
  • 00:39:28
    and to His cure for shame.
  • 00:43:30
    - Right here, right now, you have a choice.
  • 00:43:34
    You have a choice right where you're at
  • 00:43:38
    to say yes to Jesus.
  • 00:43:40
    Well, let me tell you, when you say yes to Him,
  • 00:43:43
    it means that it is exactly that, it's a choice.
  • 00:43:46
    So you choose to be joyful
  • 00:43:49
    instead of harboring bitterness.
  • 00:43:52
    You choose to love instead of like being in fear.
  • 00:43:57
    You choose to hope
  • 00:43:59
    instead of to partner with hopelessness.
  • 00:44:01
    Friends, even Jesus said you can't be both hot and cold.
  • 00:44:05
    You can't be both hot and cold,
  • 00:44:07
    so you got to make a choice.
  • 00:44:10
    So what are you going to do?
  • 00:44:13
    This right here, this is a moment
  • 00:44:17
    where you can choose those things
  • 00:44:20
    and follow in the ways of Jesus.
  • 00:44:22
    And let me tell you, all my friends here,
  • 00:44:24
    we would say yes to Jesus over and over again
  • 00:44:27
    because we've seen Him
  • 00:44:29
    conquer all the noes we've given Him.
  • 00:44:33
    We've seen Him lead us to a better place.
  • 00:44:38
    So let's choose.
  • 00:44:40
    Let's choose right now.
  • 00:44:42
    Sing this with me.
  • 00:48:27
    - Thanks for joining us today.
  • 00:48:28
    To hear more from Crossroads music any time,
  • 00:48:30
    head a crossroads.net/music
  • 00:48:32
    or listen wherever you get your music.
  • 00:48:34
    - Yeah, at Crossroads we go
  • 00:48:36
    and we're about making a difference.
  • 00:48:38
    In every community right now, healthcare workers
  • 00:48:41
    are feeling tired and forgotten, and that's not okay.
  • 00:48:44
    So we're launching Fuel for the Fight,
  • 00:48:46
    a way to refill and refresh our healthcare professionals,
  • 00:48:49
    and we need you.
  • 00:48:51
    -You can visit Crossroads.net/GO to get in the game with us.
  • 00:48:55
    Next week on the Crossroads weekly,
  • 00:48:57
    Chuck's going to talk about The Cure to the Toxicity of Pride.
  • 00:49:02
    - Pride is silent and hard to detect,
  • 00:49:04
    just like carbon monoxide.
  • 00:49:06
    And if left undetected, it kills.
  • 00:49:08
    In fact, pride is one of those sins,
  • 00:49:10
    one of those toxins that we usually realize a bit too late.
Process, journal or discuss the themes of this article - here's a few questions to get the ball rolling...

Welcome to the Weekend Follow-Up. The questions below are for the weekend of Feb. 20 & 21, 2021.

  1. We’ve all got some embarrassing moments we can laugh about now. Pick one to share with the group.

  2. Shame thrives in three areas; secret, silence, and judgment. Discuss ways these three areas impact our view of ourselves and our relationships.

  3. Courageous connection helps us step out from under shame. As a group, identify some barriers that keep us from leaning into courageous connection. Make note of any that feel personal to you.

  4. Let’s take a step into that courageous connection. Take two minutes to identify one area of your life you notice shame — it’s probably been swirling in your head this whole time. Then think of a trusted friend you can share everything with. Share who that person is with the group and send them a text or email to connect. If you’re not sure of a person, consider talking to your group leader.

  5. Take turns praying for one another specifically in the area everyone shared or say this one to close your time together, “Jesus thank you for calling us out of our shame. We ask for wisdom for next steps. We ask for courage to take a risk to break away from feeling unsure or afraid and ask that you show us a path to connect with others to be known. Amen.

More from the Weekend

For more ways on how to be the church click here to learn more about the Fuel for the Fight and see how you can help support our healthcare workers.

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Feb 20, 2021 49 mins 37 sec

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