How to Process Emotions With Others | Mindset Week 2

We often believe we have to process all our thoughts and emotions ourselves, but usually end up failing. Here’s why it’s so important to find other people to help us walk through what we’re feeling.

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    You were made to be brave.
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    You were born to make a difference.
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    God designed you for heart pumping, joy filled adventure.
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    And we're here to guide you to that adventurous life.
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    Crossroads Church.
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    Thanks for being with us today.
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    My name is Kyle.
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    I'm one of the teaching pastors at Crossroads.
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    Let me say right out of the gate, Happy Mother's Day, moms.
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    We are so thankful for you.
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    For those of us with moms to celebrate today, by the way,
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    let's make sure that today isn't just different for our moms,
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    let's make sure it's special too.
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    Find a way to make today special
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    and say thank you to the moms in your life.
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    You're joining us in the middle of a series.
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    We're talking about Mindset,
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    how to deal with the thoughts and emotions that bombard us.
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    To kick us off, some friends of mine wrote a song
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    with some amazing advice about
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    how to deal with those thoughts and emotions.
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    - Hey. Oh. Further?
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    - Yeah.
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    - Good?
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    - Are you ready to do this?
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    - Let's do it.
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    - When you have a bad day keep it to yourself
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    The heart was made to stay up on a shelf
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    Keep it in, keep it in,
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    uh huh - Absolutely.
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    Don’t be tempted to rely on another’s strength
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    Friends are better kept at a long arm’s length
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    Keep it in, keep it in. - Uh huh, that's right.
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    Keep it in, keep it in, keep it in
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    Emotional repression is your friend
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    Tamp it down, keep it low
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    Like a ticking time bomb about to blow
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    I'm really glad we're giving people this adivice.
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    - Keep it in, Mae. - OK.
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    - Keep it in.
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    When you’re crying about your dog in your dentist chair
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    Remember the hygienist doesn’t really care
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    Don’t be weird. TMI. Keep it in. - Yeah.
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    - When you’ve had a bad date, or three, or four
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    Maybe don’t go on about your rash anymore
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    Ew. - That's so gross and there's a cream for that.
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    - Ew. - Keep it in.
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    Keep it in, keep it in, keep it in
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    Emotional repression is your friend
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    Tamp it down, keep it low
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    Like a ticking time bomb about to blow, Oh oh oh,
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    Keep it in, keep it in, keep it in
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    Until you blow up when you’re standing in the grocery line
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    - You blow up, step on a lego for the millionth time
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    You blow up, when they make your latte way too hot
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    - You blow up when it’s your birthday and your friends forgot
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    Blow up.
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    And then there's a global pandemic. - You blow up.
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    School's cancelled. - You blow up.
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    - They expect you to teach your 8 year old math? - You blow up.
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    I'm terrible at math! - You blow up.
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    - I've always been terrible at math!
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    You're fine. You're fine.
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    You're fine, keep it in.
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    - So your life didn’t turn out how you wanted
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    Everybody loves the emotionally stunted
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    Keep it in, keep it in, mmm hmmm
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    Everything's going to be OK!
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    Keep it in. Keep it in.
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    Keep it in.
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    - The girl with the guitar, we think she's OK,
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    but we got to check on her right after this.
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    It was amazing.
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    Last week, Brian got us started in this series.
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    We talked about how our emotions are like fire,
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    fire that can consume us or, if harnessed,
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    can be used to propel our lives forward.
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    Chuck today is going to talk about a tool, a powerful tool
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    to help us harness our thoughts and emotions.
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    No, it's not what you think.
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    - Thanks for joining us today.
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    I'm Chuck Mingo and we're talking about
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    how our mindset can transform our lives.
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    Anne Lamott put it this way.
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    She said, "My mind is a dangerous neighborhood
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    and my friends don't let me go there alone."
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    Just the other day in my house, my kids were losing their mind.
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    I've got three kids and they were
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    all having temper tantrums on the same day.
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    And I in that moment as a parent, I'm like,
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    "What am I doing wrong here?
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    Do I need discipline? What do I do?"
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    And I had to just stop and remember my kids,
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    their whole world has been transformed upside down.
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    Maybe all they needed in this moment is a hug and a donut.
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    So sure enough, just a couple of days later,
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    I had my own adult version of a temper tantrum,
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    which is a lot like my kid's version, by the way,
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    in front of my family.
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    And I had to stop in that moment and say, "You know what?
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    Maybe all I need is a donut and a hug too."
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    I mean, here's the deal. Emotions are powerful.
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    They're a powerful part of who we are,
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    but we are woefully undertrained in how to think through them,
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    how to process them, how to deal with them.
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    But the good news is God wants to train us to renew our minds.
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    I love coming to the ballpark.
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    I mean, think about it, a stadium like this, a ballpark
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    should not be empty.
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    There should be people in these seats.
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    There should be teams playing right now.
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    I think one of the things we're grieving is
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    that we can't engage in our national pastime this spring,
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    at least not in the way that we want to and at least not yet.
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    There's just something sad and haunting, though,
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    about being in an empty baseball field.
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    I just -- it's not the way it's supposed to be.
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    Why? Because we're not wired for isolation.
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    Let's be honest, some of us were living this way
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    before the quarantine.
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    We don't let people in,
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    or at least we don't let them get very close.
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    And yet, research ties social isolation and loneliness
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    to being at higher risk of things like heart disease,
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    Alzheimer's disease, anxiety, depression, even death.
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    A baseball field without people just isn't right.
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    Neither is a life without people.
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    So let me ask you a question.
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    Are you someone who likes to figure stuff out on your own
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    or do you like to ask for help?
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    What if I told you only one of those answers
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    demonstrates that you're smart?
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    Forbes Magazine did an article some years ago
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    where they talked about how smart people make decisions.
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    One of the key factors: they seek outside counsel.
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    Forbes put it this way:
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    You know that wisdom from that Forbes article,
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    it's the same wisdom that we see in the Bible
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    in places like Proverbs 12:15 where it says:
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    That verse is saying this:
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    If you think you can figure life out on your own,
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    the Bible would say, "My friend, you are a fool."
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    But if you want to have a life that thrives,
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    if you want to have a mindset that thrives,
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    you need to choose wise counsel.
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    We're not meant to do life alone.
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    Your friends determine the quality
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    and the direction of your life.
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    The research is saying that the quarantine
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    has caused the rise in all kinds of addiction.
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    And one leader in AA put it really well in terms of why
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    he said isolation is one of the original problems
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    of the addict.
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    I know that because that was my problem.
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    Ten years ago, I walked into a room
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    to overcome a pornography addiction
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    that was ravaging my life and my relationships.
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    If you know anything about the 12 step process,
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    step two says we came to believe that a higher power
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    could restore us to sanity.
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    I was living a life that was insane.
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    And I quickly learned that my problem was
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    I didn't know how to deal with my emotions.
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    And even more than that,
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    I never shared those emotions with anyone else.
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    And it was in a room of radically honest men
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    that I came to have my sanity restored.
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    I learned how to be a friend.
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    I learned how to share.
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    I learned how to be vulnerable.
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    I learned how to process and feel the pain
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    and the challenges that life was bringing to me.
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    It changed my life.
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    And here's what I know is true: you need that.
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    This idea about needing people in your life who you trust,
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    who you can process life with,
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    this is not a nice to have.
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    You need this for life to work.
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    We all need it for our lives to work.
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    Your friends determine the quality
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    and direction of your life.
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    And so I just ask you this: Take a look at your life.
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    Now take a look at your friends, or lack thereof.
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    If you want to go in a different direction,
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    how about starting by inviting a board of directors
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    into your life that get to speak to your emotions
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    and get to help you make good decisions.
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    That might be the smartest decision you ever make.
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    - That's some great advice from Chuck:
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    find friends who will challenge you
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    and push you to better places.
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    You know, it took me a while to find friends like that,
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    to find the right balance of people
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    who I would trust to challenge me.
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    A key for me was when I realized that challenge
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    from my friends would be uncomfortable.
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    That sometimes the right friends were
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    the friends who are willing to frustrate me.
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    - If your friends don't frustrates you every now and then,
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    you need better friends.
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    This scene was filmed a few weeks ago
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    before the terrible tragedy that occurred
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    when Ahmaud Arbery was killed
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    while running through his neighborhood in a city in Georgia.
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    I hurt for the pain that his family is experiencing.
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    And I hurt for the pain of racial injustice
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    that continues to plague our country.
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    And so if you're in a place where you're hurt
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    about the situation and you want a place to process it,
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    you can reach out to us at Crossroads.net/talk.
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    Quick inventory: When's the last time
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    a friend challenged you really hard to grow?
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    I mean, maybe beyond what you were even comfortable with?
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    That happens for me three times a week
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    when I run with my friend Chris.
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    Chris is the kind of friend everybody should have,
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    but he's the kind of friend
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    that should come with a warning label warning.
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    Warning: He will encourage you often
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    and challenge you hard.
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    It all started when I told Chris I wanted to run
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    the fastest half marathon I ever had.
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    Next thing I know, he's got a training plan,
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    an eating plan and he even change his schedule
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    around to make all the training runs work for him and I.
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    The guy just plane makes me better.
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    You know what?
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    If it wasn't for the coronavirus,
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    I would've ran my fastest half marathon by 40 minutes.
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    No worries though, we're still training.
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    If that race happens in the fall, I'll be ready.
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    Life is like that.
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    Why was I was able to make that progress?
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    Because we trained, but I didn't train alone.
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    You can't win if you try to win at life alone.
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    We only win when we surround ourselves with good counsel.
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    Ecclesiastes 4:12 says this:
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    What that verse says is to win in life
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    you have to win in relationships.
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    The problem is we are woefully undertrained
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    in how did do relationships well.
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    Think about what happens if you don't train for a marathon.
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    You hit the wall and you fail. That's what happens.
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    The same is true in relationships.
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    We have to train.
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    We have to train in skills like giving
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    and receiving feedback.
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    Receiving that feedback and growing from it.
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    Helping our friends move beyond their comfort zone,
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    handling conflict well.
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    If we don't train, we can't win in relationships.
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    To win at life you have to win in relationships.
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    And something powerful happens
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    when you invite God into that mix.
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    That's what that three-fold cord is talking about:
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    You, your friends and God together is a powerful combination.
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    One of the ways that Chris and I brought that
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    into our friendship is just by committing to
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    a 10 minute prayer time with each other every week
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    where I would share three things I wanted pray for
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    and he would share three things he wanted prayer for.
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    And man, I tell you what, those ten minutes
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    took our relationship to a new level,
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    took our spiritual life to a new level,
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    took our lives to a new level.
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    Three-fold cord with God in the mix, you can't lose.
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    To win in life, you have to win in relationships.
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    - How do you win at relationships?
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    That can be a frustrating and challenging idea.
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    If that's how you feel, we would love to talk with you.
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    You can go to Crossroads.net/talk to find out more.
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    You know, everything we do at Crossroads is funded
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    by the generosity of normal, average, everyday people
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    who have stepped into the spiritual discipline
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    called tithing, giving 10% of your gross income
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    to your local church.
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    Now, when that happens,
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    God will unlock powerful things in your life.
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    That's my story and the story of thousands of other people.
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    If you want to know more about that,
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    you can go to Crossroads.net/give.
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    Recently, our West Side community found
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    an amazing way to invest in relationships even right now.
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    They wrote notes of encouragement to hospital patients
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    who are unable to have visitors right now.
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    What happened was powerful. Check this out.
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    - The point of our meeting today is to pray over
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    these patient care cards that we've signed
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    from Crossroads West Side.
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    And it tells a pretty cool tale
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    that we aren't sitting idly by
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    and we're actually trying to help wherever we can.
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    We're going to pray for these cards.
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    So God, we pray for these cards right now.
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    We pray for every patient that's going to have
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    one in their hands that you would heal them,
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    that you would comfort them,
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    that you would draw your spirit close to them
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    so they know they are not alone.
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    - May they feel the presence of your Holy Spirit
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    to comfort them.
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    - God, I ask you how you fill the patients
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    that are going to receive these with hope.
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    - Lord, we collectively know that this
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    is what being the church is all about.
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    - From all of us at Crossroads West Side,
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    you are not alone in this.
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    The church has always been about people.
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    We want to be the church for you during this time.
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    We are praying for quick and full healing for you,
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    that you would find hope, peace, strength,
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    and comfort through God's presence.
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    - So good council,
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    friendship with people who trust and follow Jesus
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    is a big way that our mindsets get transformed by God.
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    It's a way that we experience relationship with God.
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    Well, let me be clear: God is not your imaginary friend.
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    Did you have an imaginary friend growing up as a kid?
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    I did. His name is Petey.
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    What's up, Petey?
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    Actually, do you know why kids have an imaginary friend?
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    It's a way for them to have control over their world.
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    But relationship with God is actually the opposite.
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    It's about surrendering control.
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    And in fact, relationship with the people of God.
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    When we're in community, it's about giving up control.
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    It's about letting other people influence our mindset.
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    It's about letting them influence how we process our emotions,
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    how we deal with decisions.
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    Here's another way
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    that Jesus is not like your imaginary friend.
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    Your imaginary friend has never kept a promise to you.
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    But Jesus makes a specific promise when
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    we lean into relationships with people who follow Him.
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    In John 14:18, Jesus makes a promise to you.
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    He says, I will not leave you as orphans.
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    I will come to you.
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    How does Jesus come to you?
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    One of the ways is He comes to us when we prioritize
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    relationship with people who are following Him.
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    This is one of the places
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    where Jesus keeps that promise for me.
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    I have a group of men who around this fire
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    have really encouraged me, challenged me.
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    They've helped me experience Jesus's presence
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    in a very real way in my life.
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    I can think of one time when our group was meeting
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    and I was really struggling with the area of calling,
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    quite frankly, for me that I was just being passive around.
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    And it was in this group of men where I experienced
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    the presence of Jesus.
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    There's no magic in these chairs.
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    There's no magic in this fire.
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    It's those guys, those guys who are listening to God
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    and who are willing to challenge my mindset of fear
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    and call me to courage.
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    They're willing to challenge my mindset of passivity
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    and call me to be proactive.
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    And as they do that in my life and I follow that council,
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    I experienced transformation
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    in that particular area of my life.
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    The conversation we had that night.
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    I've seen tremendous progress.
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    I have been moving
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    and I've been experiencing the presence of God as I do.
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    Jesus came to me and He comes to me in this community.
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    Another way, though, that Jesus keeps His promise
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    is He promises to give you His Holy Spirit.
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    If you say yes to following Jesus
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    and you're in relationship with Him,
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    the very presence of God, His very Spirit
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    actually takes up residence in your life
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    and begins to give you comfort and counsel.
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    In John 14:26, just a few versus later,
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    we find out that Jesus says the promise I'm keeping
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    is to give you my Holy Spirit, who He calls
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    the counselor or the comforter or the helper.
  • 00:18:49
    This helper, this comfort that we're offered
  • 00:18:52
    through Jesus, it's real.
  • 00:18:54
    And so maybe your mindset right now is one of anxiety.
  • 00:18:57
    I want you to know Jesus can enter your life
  • 00:19:00
    and give you the counsel you need
  • 00:19:01
    to move from anxiety to peace.
  • 00:19:03
    Maybe right now you're struggling
  • 00:19:05
    and you're uncomfortable and there are fears in the way
  • 00:19:07
    or maybe there's depression in the way.
  • 00:19:09
    I want you to know Jesus wants to be a counselor
  • 00:19:11
    in your life, to move you from depression to hope.
  • 00:19:14
    He wants to come to you.
  • 00:19:16
    And one of the ways He does that is
  • 00:19:17
    when you prioritize being with people
  • 00:19:20
    who are running in His direction as well.
  • 00:19:22
    It's kind of bittersweet being here because
  • 00:19:25
    I miss my guys.
  • 00:19:26
    I miss the presence of men in my life
  • 00:19:29
    who actually are Jesus to me in a lot of ways.
  • 00:19:32
    You know, we're doing Zoom.
  • 00:19:34
    It's better than nothing,
  • 00:19:36
    but it's just not the same.
  • 00:19:38
    And I don't know, maybe that's how you feel
  • 00:19:40
    about relationships in your life.
  • 00:19:42
    If you take stock, you just recognize
  • 00:19:44
    I've got a level of relationship,
  • 00:19:46
    but it's not as deep as I want it to be.
  • 00:19:48
    I'm certainly not in a place, you might say,
  • 00:19:51
    where I'm experiencing the presence of Jesus
  • 00:19:53
    in my friendships.
  • 00:19:54
    Hey, can I tell you, there's good news for you.
  • 00:19:57
    There's hope for you because Jesus is not done with you.
  • 00:20:00
    And maybe the very reason you're watching right now,
  • 00:20:03
    maybe the very reason you're engaging right now
  • 00:20:06
    is because He's inviting you into more.
  • 00:20:09
    He's inviting you into more intentionality
  • 00:20:11
    around relationships in your life.
  • 00:20:13
    He's inviting you into more intentionality
  • 00:20:16
    around how you bring your mindset to Him
  • 00:20:19
    in community with other people who can help you
  • 00:20:21
    deal with your emotions, the pain, the shame,
  • 00:20:25
    the fear, the guilt.
  • 00:20:27
    People who can help your mindset be one
  • 00:20:31
    that enables you to love well,
  • 00:20:33
    that enables you to lead well,
  • 00:20:34
    that enables you to overcome an obstacle in your life.
  • 00:20:38
    So I want to invite you to respond to Jesus's invitation.
  • 00:20:43
    If you've never said yes to following Him,
  • 00:20:45
    that's the first response to make,
  • 00:20:47
    to know that Jesus Himself wants relationship with you.
  • 00:20:50
    He wants unity with you.
  • 00:20:52
    He actually came and died to make it clear that
  • 00:20:56
    there is no price He wasn't willing to pay
  • 00:20:59
    to bridge the gap between you and Him.
  • 00:21:02
    You can receive Him.
  • 00:21:04
    You can say yes to following Him.
  • 00:21:06
    And I want to encourage you to take a step in that direction.
  • 00:21:11
    Two things to think about.
  • 00:21:12
    One is, what would it look like for you
  • 00:21:14
    to prioritize even in this time of quarantine
  • 00:21:17
    relationship with people who are following Jesus?
  • 00:21:20
    One of the ways we do that at Crossroads is
  • 00:21:22
    we invite people to be in groups,
  • 00:21:24
    like the group that I'm in.
  • 00:21:25
    Be in groups with other people
  • 00:21:26
    who are going the direction of Jesus.
  • 00:21:29
    If you're not in a group, can I encourage you to try it?
  • 00:21:33
    Can I encourage you to step forward
  • 00:21:35
    and get a relationship with other people?
  • 00:21:37
    There are groups we have where you just process
  • 00:21:39
    what you're hearing through messages like this.
  • 00:21:41
    It's a great way to kind of dip your toe into community.
  • 00:21:45
    And you can act on what you see on your screen
  • 00:21:48
    right now if you want to step in that direction.
  • 00:21:51
    But I think some of us, we need the Comforter right now.
  • 00:21:55
    Maybe there's been job loss in your family.
  • 00:21:57
    Maybe there's been actual life lost in your family.
  • 00:22:00
    Maybe you're struggling with something
  • 00:22:02
    that you can't get over.
  • 00:22:04
    I want to invite you into an opportunity
  • 00:22:07
    to have someone listen to you and pray for you.
  • 00:22:11
    And know this, when they're listening to you,
  • 00:22:12
    they're not only listening to you,
  • 00:22:14
    but they're listening for the voice of the Comforter,
  • 00:22:15
    for the voice of the Counselor to see if there's
  • 00:22:17
    anything that God might want to say to you
  • 00:22:19
    through another person.
  • 00:22:20
    Yes, I believe God speaks to us through other people.
  • 00:22:24
    So I want to invite you to do that.
  • 00:22:27
    Take the action on the screen right now,
  • 00:22:29
    step into something that might feel new, uncertain,
  • 00:22:34
    but could be really profound and could be a way
  • 00:22:38
    that the Counselor, that Jesus Himself comes to you.
  • 00:22:44
    Let me pray for us right now.
  • 00:22:46
    God, I want to ask that for all of us,
  • 00:22:49
    we would see the ways that You're inviting us
  • 00:22:52
    to press in to good council.
  • 00:22:56
    All of us, God, I believe are not wired to be alone.
  • 00:23:00
    And thankfully with You, we don't have to be alone.
  • 00:23:02
    So whether it's pressing in for friendships
  • 00:23:04
    and relationships with people
  • 00:23:05
    or whether it's pressing in to hearing Your voice,
  • 00:23:08
    maybe for the first time, God,
  • 00:23:10
    give us the courage to take the next step.
  • 00:23:13
    In Jesus's name. Amen.
  • 00:23:21
    This song is a reminder that we are never alone.
  • 00:23:24
    Jesus is the author of our freedom
  • 00:23:26
    and has already conquered our fears of being vulnerable
  • 00:23:28
    or finding the right people to be in our lives with us.
  • 00:23:31
    This is a moment to turn those fears over to our God
  • 00:23:34
    and be reminded that He is who He says He is.
  • 00:29:04
    - You know, one of the reasons we sing songs
  • 00:29:06
    is because it helps us to articulate
  • 00:29:08
    things that we're experiencing,
  • 00:29:10
    things that we're feeling,
  • 00:29:11
    things that we're desiring.
  • 00:29:13
    Another reason we sing songs is to root ourselves
  • 00:29:15
    in the story we find in Scripture.
  • 00:29:18
    And so when we can, we like to write songs
  • 00:29:20
    that remind us of who God is, of what He's done,
  • 00:29:24
    and what the implications are for us.
  • 00:29:26
    And those things lead to us responding to Him in worship.
  • 00:29:30
    So when we sing songs about
  • 00:29:31
    Jesus being the King of the Kingdom,
  • 00:29:34
    Jesus being the author of our freedom,
  • 00:29:36
    every day we wake to an empty grave.
  • 00:29:39
    We're reminding ourselves that
  • 00:29:41
    the battle has already been won.
  • 00:29:42
    Regardless of what we're experiencing right now,
  • 00:29:46
    that Jesus has said, "You don't have to worry.
  • 00:29:48
    You're citizens of My Kingdom."
  • 00:29:50
    And so that's the position we take when we come and worship.
  • 00:29:54
    So when you sing with us right now, remember,
  • 00:29:57
    the battle has been won.
  • 00:29:58
    You are a citizen of God's Kingdom
  • 00:30:00
    and that's something that we can celebrate.
  • 00:34:41
    - Great worshiping with you.
  • 00:34:43
    Hey, we would love for you to join a group.
  • 00:34:45
    There is a group for you.
  • 00:34:47
    One of them for you might be the weekend follow up group.
  • 00:34:51
    Super easy, you just connect via video chat
  • 00:34:54
    with people around you and you process
  • 00:34:56
    what you just heard in the weekend message.
  • 00:34:57
    It is an amazing group.
  • 00:34:59
    You can follow the instructions on the screen.
  • 00:35:01
    We'd love to get you set up with a perfect group for you.
  • 00:35:04
    Also, don't forget, if you're feeling isolated
  • 00:35:05
    right now or alone, we would love to talk with you.
  • 00:35:08
    You can go to Crossroads.net/talk.
  • 00:35:11
    And remember, everything we do at Crossroads
  • 00:35:13
    is funded by the generosity of everyday people
  • 00:35:17
    just like you.
  • 00:35:18
    To give, you can go to Crossroads.net/give.
  • 00:35:22
    I will see you next weekend where I'll be talking
  • 00:35:26
    about how God has designed you
  • 00:35:28
    to have the mindset of a superhero. Really.
  • 00:35:32
    If you don't believe me, that seems like a stretch,
  • 00:35:35
    I'd love to prove it to you next weekend.
  • 00:35:37
    We'll see you then.
Process, journal or discuss the themes of this article - here's a few questions to get the ball rolling...

Welcome to the Weekend Follow Up.

  1. Some people are using all this time at home to purge extra stuff or work on those house projects that we didn’t have time for before. What’s one thing you want to get rid of or change in your house? Go grab that thing or take a picture to share why it’s time for a change. Other people living with you don’t count, c’mon now.

  2. What strikes you most about having other people in your life to support having a healthy mindset? Why does that stand out to you?

  3. Read Proverbs 12:15. Why is it sometimes challenging for us to share emotions, let other people in, and even ask for help?

  4. What are the thoughts or emotions that seem to play on repeat in your mind? How could your life be impacted by inviting others into that space? (Psst. This might be a good time to try it out.)

  5. Read John 14:26-28. What’s one way you can have more peace this week? Take turns sharing and pray for each person as you go.

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(This stuff helps us figure out how many fruitcakes to make come December)

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May 9, 2020 36 mins 2 sec

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