You Need Better Relationships | 2 Simple Ways to Build Your Relationships to Last

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- Well, hey, welcome to Crossroads.

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We are so glad that you're joining us today.

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Now, Crossroads started with 11 friends who wanted

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a place for people who'd given up on church

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but hadn't given up on God.

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And that's grown into ten locations

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and our amazing Anywhere Community

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that meets online and all over the world.

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So wherever you're watching from, you need to know

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you're not just watching something,

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or at least you don't have to be.

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Behind the screen there's an incredible community

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of people that you can get to know and grow alongside of.

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Since I joined Anywhere, I've made friends all over the world.

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If you want to get connected, just text Anywhere to 301301

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and we'll reach out and help you get to know

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the amazing community.

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But now we're going to dive into our service,

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which is all around the idea that

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you won't just accidentally stumble into

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the fullness of who God created you to be.

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That requires intentionality and the presence of God.

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Let's start off with these songs right now

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to connect with God's presence.

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- And I don't know about you, but coming here

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week after week after week does something for me.

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And it's it's beyond the teaching.

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It's beyond the coffee.

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It's actually this moment right here.

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I am encouraged by this.

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This builds me up from the inside.

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Just singing together like this, this is powerful.

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And I don't know about you, but like just

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the day in and day out of trying to do the right thing

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of just sowing and sowing and sowing

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and trying to be faithful can make one weary.

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And when we come together, we're encouraged.

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And I look out and I see familiar faces

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and I see relationships, and I know the depth

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of character that is in this room.

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And I know the struggle in this room.

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I want to point us to a scripture in Galatians.

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And I would read it on my phone, but I left it backstage.

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So we're gonna -- how about this?

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Let's go old school. Let's read together.

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Can we do that? Let's do this.

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Let us not become weary in doing good,

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for at the proper time we will reap a harvest

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if we do not give up.

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Friends, if you're in this room,

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if you're watching online, you have not given up.

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You are here and we have an opportunity to come together

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and do the thing we were designed to do,

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which is to reflect the beauty of God,

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because we are instruments of praise.

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- God, we just say thank You for meeting us here.

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It's great to be in Your presence.

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It's great to be in the presence of others.

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We ask that You would see our steps here

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as us saying yes to You. Yes to You. Amen.

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Oh my gosh, you guys, let's go.

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That's so good.

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Hey, about a year and change ago

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this community did something big.

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We took on a challenge, and around here

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we call it the 10X Push.

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And we believed God was asking us to go further,

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to spread the unique voice and mission of Jesus

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across the world.

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And so in many ways, we've sacrificed more

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and we are continuing to invest in places

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that are just new territories.

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And we want to give you an update

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on the things that are going on.

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So while you have a seat, take a look at this.

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- In November of 2024,

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God called Crossroads to a moonshot.

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He invited us to grow the four territories

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that He entrusted to us 10X in ten years,

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Thousands responded, committing $211 million

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above and beyond regular giving,

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trusting God with what they had.

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And we're already seeing the impact.

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The first year of 10X work focused heavily on

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growing the territories of immersive sites

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and impactful reach out.

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Immersive sites, spaces designed to encounter God,

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belonging community and grow.

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Crossroads Dayton and Uptown locations are now open,

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and we're building a new 500 seat auditorium in Columbus

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to make space for our friends and neighbors.

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Next month, we're launching Crossroads Live Events

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in Indianapolis and Detroit to build local momentum

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and see where God might be calling Crossroads next.

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Investments in Collective Nights for young adults

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and new spaces for students are already bearing fruit,

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with hundreds more young people learning about Jesus

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in a language they can understand.

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Now that the Oakley Experience upgrades are well underway,

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the process to upgrade the weekend experience

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at our other sites has already begun.

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Impactful Reachout.

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Extending the love of Jesus to the most vulnerable,

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locally and globally.

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10x funding has taken our decades long work

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to fight sex trafficking to a whole new level.

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Funds are now being used by one of our key partners in Nepal,

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Anjali, to expand a school in her village

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that has been plagued by traffickers,

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giving kids a hope and a future.

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We also broke ground on the 220,000 square foot

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anti-trafficking campus that will house

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and educate hundreds of children in Kathmandu.

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Crossroads services are now available in prisons

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in 43 states.

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To date, we have had over 7 million views

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and 3000 people have decided to follow Jesus.

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We are working to partner with reentry programs

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for inmates so they do not return to prison.

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And we are investing in future iterations of Citylink,

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the only in-kind social services center

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started by Crossroads.

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It's now or never.

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We can't and we won't turn back from where God is taking us.

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This is our moment to keep going,

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believing God for 10X impact over the next ten years.

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Together, let's expand the territory.

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- Houston, you are go for staging.

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- Yes, we believe that God wants to 10X how He serves,

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blesses, impacts people through this church.

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As you heard in that video, in May we're taking

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Crossroads Live on the road.

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That'll be one night in Detroit on May 1st

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and one night in Indianapolis on May 9th.

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And this isn't just a, hey, let's try an event

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in a couple of cities thing.

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This is like us asking a real question:

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God, are you opening a door for us here?

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There will be live worship.

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There will be amazing teaching.

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There'll be prayer for God to do

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something incredible in these cities.

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So if you know somebody in Detroit or Indy,

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send them the link and actually send it.

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Don't do that thing that I often do where like

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somehow two weeks go by and I'm just that person

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who almost sent a text, right?

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If you're close enough to make the drive,

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hey, maybe you should be there yourself.

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Either way, you can RSVP at crossroads.net.

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And stuff like this happens, stuff like in that video,

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everything happens in our communities

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because people have chosen to give not just normally,

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but sacrificially, as a part of 10X.

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We're halfway through this three year commitment

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to help more people experience God

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and grow and experience the life that He intends for them,

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because that's what generosity does.

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It turns vision into something real.

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It turns somebody should do something into,

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hey, God, I think You're calling us to this.

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So if you're ready to jump in or just want to learn

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more about what Crossroads believes about money,

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you can do so at crossroads.net/give.

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And hey, one more thing, we want to make an impact

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and Go Day is right around the corner, May 16th.

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This is how we are looking

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to make an impact in our communities.

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Not just discussing need, but actually stepping into it.

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That's what Go Day is.

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And if you're a part of our Anywhere Community,

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this is for you too.

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It means you get to bring this thing where you are.

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A couple examples of this.

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Wendy in Orlando, she's new to her neighborhood,

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so she's turning her pool into the gathering spot,

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inviting friends and neighbors to pack relief kits

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for families of Ronald McDonald House.

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Another one, Mark and Carmena, leading two projects

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near Carmena's hometown in La Paz, Bolivia.

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They're bringing supplies to help homeowners

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with repairs that they've needed for years.

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It'll make a huge impact.

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So maybe for you, it's a neighborhood cleanup,

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maybe it's helping a local church or nonprofit,

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maybe it's doing some landscaping.

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Whatever it is, man, this is a chance to make an impact.

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So last week we saw anywhere projects pop up

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in Michigan and Detroit and Indy, all over.

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You can actually select your city

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and help sponsor an event before March 30th.

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We'd love to have you do that.

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Now your city, your neighborhood, your people,

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you can join a project.

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You can help create one and lead one.

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Jump in, make something happen. All right?

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So whether it's Crossroads Live events, Go Day,

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or giving all of this and the info is

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at Crossroads.net/Anywhere.

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Now today, Alli Patterson is teaching about relationships

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and the simple truth that the life God designed for us

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was meant to be walked out alongside others,

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not in isolation, but that God wants us to experience

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the fullness of relationship.

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And that can't happen alone.

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The spiritual life isn't a solo sport.

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It's one that's meant to be walked out

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in the context of community.

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Let's take a look at this right now.

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- Father, I pray that You would help us to see clearly

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our relationships today, because I believe

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that You have people to walk with us.

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Thank You for Your promise to never leave us.

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And I actually pray that you would bring us

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flesh and blood people that would help us to believe You.

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In Jesus's name, Amen.

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Well, great to be with you this weekend, everyone.

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My name is Alli and I'm one of the teaching pastors

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here at Crossroads.

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If you're new, it's great to be in community

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with you this weekend.

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We're taking a few weeks and we're talking

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to our future selves, future you, future me.

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And we're asking the question like,

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is there a way to wise up about how we're living

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our lives today and what we're planting in our life?

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What will it grow later?

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Jesus put it like this: if you sow thornbushes,

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you're not going to pick a fig from it.

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And the Bible talks about this kind of wisdom

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that we need to wise up a little bit

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in terms of reaping and sowing.

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Whatever we sow today, we're going to reap tomorrow.

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And some of the fruit of our life we can actually foresee.

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But most of us have a long list of like,

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oh, I should have seen that one coming.

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You know what I mean?

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I have this list, I will admit, as a parent,

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I'm the one with the longer list of,

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man, shouldn't I have seen that coming in our household?

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I tend to like to say yes to things,

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like, sounds like a great idea.

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Let's give that a shot.

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Like my kids, when they were little,

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came to me on a summer afternoon and said,

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"Can we make a water slide out of our swing set?"

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And I was like, "Sounds great, let's do it."

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So we turned the hose on full blast

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and point it down the slide,

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and I just plopped a baby pool at the end of the slide.

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What could possibly go wrong here?

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What could possibly go wrong?

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So my first kids go down the slide

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and they kind of landed in the baby pool.

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It was sort of working, and I really didn't think

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about how a lighter, younger, smaller child

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was going to do on this little scenario.

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So my youngest daughter goes down the slide

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and flies off the end of it

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and faceplants into the retaining wall

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about 5 feet away.

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When my husband came home and found this kid,

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he was like, "Are we serious? Are you serious?

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You did what? Didn't you see that coming?"

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I guess the answer was I was willing to take the risk.

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I'm not sure I really did.

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We tend to live our lives like that,

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like we just either don't want to see

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or don't want to do whatever it is that would be doing --

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We would be doing today in order to

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get good stuff out of our life tomorrow.

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And there really is quite a bit of wisdom in the Bible

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that goes something like this.

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If you do something dumb,

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you're going to face plant into the retaining wall.

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You know? And we're trying to get ahold of that

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for our lives and our relationships,

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because I believe much of the fruit of our life

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is actually foreseeable, because it's linked

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to exactly the seeds that we are planting today.

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And I think that God has more life for us.

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He actually wants our lives to be on a trajectory

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where, through all the ups and downs,

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we are becoming more and more and more alive.

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And if I think about that through the lens

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of our relationships,

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we are becoming less and less lonely,

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more and more purposeful, more deeply satisfied,

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more deeply fruitful.

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That is the trajectory that I believe

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God wants to put your life and your relationships on.

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And so we're going to ask ourselves the question today:

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Are there things I could be doing in my relationships

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right now, right here today, that will have great fruit

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5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now?

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And I think the answer to that is yes.

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But I'm not sure we're always sowing the seeds of it.

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I was at a Reds game last week,

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and I was sitting there watching, like,

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it was sadly not a great game

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until like the last inning or two.

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But I'm watching this game. It's a gorgeous day.

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There's a group of people I had my eye on,

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and they were clearly like a group of friends.

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And most of them were sitting there

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with their phone right in front of their face,

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not looking at each other, not looking at the game.

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And I just thought, how often do all of us do that?

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And we don't recognize that's a seed.

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The question is, what's it growing?

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What's the relational fruit that we are actually growing

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with all kinds of tiny little seeds like that today?

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So we're going to talk to our future selves

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and look at two things.

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And these two things are deceptively simple sounding,

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but we're going to dive into them.

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I think there's two things if current us did,

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future you would be very thankful.

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First of all, decide who.

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Decide who you want to be in your life.

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And the second thing is to show up for them.

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There's some very specific ways that the Bible

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tells us to show up in order to develop

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great relationship in our life.

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So we're going to look at both of those today.

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And the first one is to decide who.

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I don't know if this is good news or bad news for you,

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but I think, for me it's a relief.

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But I think future -- I'm sorry, current us

00:33:45

is actually carrying too many relationships.

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We're trying to hold on to probably

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a lot more relationships than we actually have space for.

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The truth is, we are limited relationally.

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I think usually we kind of figure this out at some point,

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like, I just can't be best friends with everybody.

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You know, we say things like that when we realize that.

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We hit a relational wall at some different points

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in different kinds of relationships.

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But the question is, do you actually know where those are?

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Are you doing it on purpose?

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Are you deciding who is in your life on purpose,

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in a way that recognizes what your threshold is,

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what your capacity is?

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I wrote a book a couple of years ago

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on the relationships in the life of Jesus.

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And I didn't really set out to write a book on that topic.

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I'd rather just read the Gospels

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and got curious about what I was watching Jesus do.

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And so I was noticing,

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oh, He has some patterns of relationship.

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There's a few people that are really close

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and He only does certain things with them.

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Then there's this other realm,

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and He does a different sort of thing,

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and He gives them more of this.

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And then there's these other people.

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And so I just started noting He's got patterns,

00:34:58

He's got ways, He's got methods

00:35:00

of how He seems to be interacting in relationship.

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And I just got curious, started to sketch some things out.

00:35:06

And as I did the research for that book,

00:35:09

I came across a modern social relational theory

00:35:13

that is pretty widely accepted.

00:35:15

I think gut level, you're going to agree

00:35:17

it kind of checks out.

00:35:18

It's called Dunbar's Number.

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So some research was done,

00:35:21

presumably by somebody named Dunbar,

00:35:23

and came up with this theory that we actually

00:35:26

have relationship thresholds at some different points

00:35:29

in our capacity to hold relationships.

00:35:32

And Dunbar's Number is 150.

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That's like the max in terms of honest to goodness

00:35:39

social relationship of people you can sort of

00:35:42

carry along and truly know.

00:35:44

There are some realms outside of that

00:35:45

I didn't bother to put up there,

00:35:47

because the 150 is sort of the max threshold.

00:35:50

But then below it there are some other ones.

00:35:53

Five of what he called intimates, closest people.

00:35:58

15 close friends.

00:36:00

50, he found there's a threshold at 50

00:36:02

that is something that Dunbar called a personal network.

00:36:07

We'll talk more about that in just a minute.

00:36:09

And I was really interested in this,

00:36:11

so I just kind of tucked it away and considered it.

00:36:14

I wonder if there's something like that

00:36:17

in the life of Jesus that I could see,

00:36:19

because I was already sort of mapping out these relationships.

00:36:22

So I gave it a shot.

00:36:24

And turns out it's strikingly similar.

00:36:28

In Jesus's life we see that He has

00:36:30

in the years of His public ministry

00:36:33

where we have a good record of His relationships, right?

00:36:36

So this is the years that we're looking at.

00:36:38

He seems to have three that get full access:

00:36:42

Peter, James and John.

00:36:44

Peter, James and John. Peter, James and John.

00:36:46

If you read the books of His life,

00:36:47

you'll hear those three names over and over again

00:36:50

and notice they get more of Him.

00:36:54

Then He's got a line at 12.

00:36:56

This is probably the most common group to us

00:36:59

that we look at. It's His disciples.

00:37:01

The people He was shoulder to shoulder with all the time.

00:37:04

He taught them, He traveled with them,

00:37:06

He worked with them, He ate with them.

00:37:08

You know, this is His gang.

00:37:11

And Dunbar had this number at 15, called it close friends.

00:37:14

These are your people.

00:37:15

And then Jesus had a line around 72.

00:37:18

We'll take a look at that one in just a second.

00:37:21

And then I tried to count up all -- it's a little --

00:37:23

It gets a little squidgy because sometimes

00:37:25

people are mentioned in groups

00:37:26

and you don't know exactly how many are there,

00:37:28

you know, that kind of thing, but we are in the ballpark.

00:37:31

And this got me thinking, what if there's a design?

00:37:37

What if God designed us intentionally

00:37:40

with limitations at different points,

00:37:43

at different thresholds?

00:37:45

And yeah, sure, we we might vary a little bit

00:37:47

around those numbers.

00:37:48

We don't need to follow those off a cliff.

00:37:50

But what if there's a design?

00:37:52

Does that mean that today, if you and I

00:37:54

made some choices inside that design,

00:37:57

our relationships would be better off for it.

00:37:59

I had somebody when I was talking to

00:38:01

some people about this like,

00:38:02

hey, does this check out in your own life?

00:38:04

I had somebody tell me that she had --

00:38:06

She was absolutely convinced that she had 22 best friends.

00:38:12

And I was like, "I don't think you do.

00:38:16

I'm pretty sure you don't."

00:38:18

And she was firmly convinced.

00:38:20

But we carry people along for all different reasons,

00:38:24

and we don't make decisions about who gets access,

00:38:27

who gets time, who are we actually planting seeds with

00:38:31

in each of these spaces.

00:38:35

And I wish so much, I wish so much

00:38:37

that I could take you into everything I saw,

00:38:40

everything I learned about all these spaces, but I can't.

00:38:43

And I picked one for us to jump into today together

00:38:48

because I believe it is our biggest opportunity.

00:38:53

It might be the least defined realm

00:38:56

and the most powerful if we would plant seeds

00:38:59

and actually invest in this space

00:39:01

for our relationship future.

00:39:04

It's the third layer of both of those charts.

00:39:09

Dunbar called it your personal network.

00:39:11

I called it, in the Life of Jesus,

00:39:13

I gave them names of core circle, comrades and community.

00:39:17

So this would be the comrades realm, the 72.

00:39:20

Now, this is a very interesting relational realm

00:39:24

and one that I'm not sure in our life

00:39:26

we actually give a lot of thought to.

00:39:28

I think rather, it's more common that we just sort of

00:39:31

have a haphazard collection of people,

00:39:33

like outside of our good friends, we're like,

00:39:35

"And the rest of them," you know?

00:39:40

What if you did some things on purpose

00:39:43

at this threshold in your life?

00:39:45

Let's look at this in the life of Jesus in the book of Luke.

00:39:50

After this, the Lord appointed 72 others

00:39:53

and sent them on ahead of Hm, two by two,

00:39:56

into every town and place where He Himself was about to go.

00:40:00

And He said to them, "The harvest is plentiful,

00:40:03

but the laborers are few."

00:40:06

Here we have this peek at this group

00:40:09

that all we know is that they're called the 72.

00:40:13

They sort of appear as if from nowhere.

00:40:16

And they're not really -- They're not really detailed,

00:40:18

or are they? Or are they?

00:40:24

What if these 72 are not some random people

00:40:29

that pop out of nowhere in the Gospels?

00:40:31

What if they're the faces and the names

00:40:33

and the stories that we're reading about all along?

00:40:37

What if these are the people who interacted with Jesus

00:40:40

while He was doing His Father's business,

00:40:42

and He taught them, and He healed them,

00:40:44

and they asked if they could follow Him.

00:40:46

And so he gathered them up into a group

00:40:48

while He was doing His Father's work?

00:40:52

And they become this group of 72.

00:40:55

So you probably would be able to know

00:40:59

some of the faces and names that were in this group

00:41:01

of people, and Jesus certainly did.

00:41:03

These were not strangers to Him.

00:41:05

We just don't have the benefit of a list,

00:41:07

you know, an attendance list of this 72.

00:41:10

And they became the people that Jesus was on mission with.

00:41:14

The entire definition of this realm of relationship

00:41:18

in Jesus's life, and we actually do get

00:41:20

some specific names.

00:41:21

If you know His life, some of the closer ones

00:41:24

in this realm might be a brother sisters trio:

00:41:27

Mary, Martha, and Lazarus.

00:41:31

They're named, He clearly spends time with them.

00:41:35

He's clearly on mission with them.

00:41:37

But they aren't His best friends.

00:41:39

They don't travel with Him.

00:41:40

They're not in His circle of disciples. So who are they?

00:41:43

Well, they're in this realm, maybe among the 72.

00:41:48

And this this group of comrades, as I called them,

00:41:52

in the life of Jesus, was entirely defined by mission.

00:41:55

The mission of the Kingdom, the mission to spread

00:41:57

the good news that Jesus had come to spread.

00:42:03

Do we have people in our lives that we purposely

00:42:07

keep in our lives because of the mission of God?

00:42:10

I don't -- I don't know that a lot of us do have that.

00:42:14

I called them comrades for a very, very strategic reason.

00:42:18

We don't use that word very much. Right?

00:42:20

It's sort of an old timey word.

00:42:22

Maybe -- the only reference I had for it

00:42:24

when I chose it was comrade in arms.

00:42:27

Anyone ever heard that phrase, a comrade in arms?

00:42:29

It's like an old sort of military or battlefield term.

00:42:32

Yes, exactly. There's a common mission.

00:42:37

There's a commanding officer.

00:42:39

There's a set of weapons.

00:42:41

There's a fight that's taking place.

00:42:42

There's an enemy, a common enemy that's being faced.

00:42:46

This is how Jesus defined this realm in His life.

00:42:49

He trained them. He prayed for them.

00:42:51

He worked with them. He encouraged them.

00:42:53

And then He sent them out to experience the life of God.

00:43:00

This might redefine how you experience your entire life

00:43:06

because for us, this is the church.

00:43:08

And I don't mean Crossroads by that.

00:43:10

I mean your brothers and sisters that also follow Jesus

00:43:15

anywhere, all over the world.

00:43:19

And I believe that God has

00:43:20

a personal network of them for you.

00:43:24

That was the term Dunbar used for this group,

00:43:26

a personal network of 50 people.

00:43:29

Who are those 50?

00:43:30

Well, Dunbar doesn't say, but Jesus makes it clear

00:43:33

that these people could be, with the right seeds,

00:43:38

the people that you push the Kingdom of God forward with,

00:43:41

and who actually helps you be on mission,

00:43:45

know what your life is for,

00:43:46

experience the life God has for you,

00:43:48

become more fruitful, go deeper in your faith.

00:43:51

What? What if? What if He had a personal network for you?

00:43:55

I want you to meet one of mine.

00:43:58

Her name is Hannah. You may recognize Hannah.

00:44:01

She was the host of our Run Journey

00:44:04

just recently here at Crossroads on video.

00:44:07

She did a fantastic job.

00:44:08

I met Hannah years and years ago now.

00:44:11

And she said, after we got to know each other,

00:44:14

a couple of years in, she goes, "You know, no offense,

00:44:17

but when we first met, I wasn't really looking

00:44:20

to be friends with, you know, 40 something white lady."

00:44:25

She's like, 'There's a lot of them around here,

00:44:27

and I wasn't really looking for that."

00:44:31

And I was like, "Fair enough. No offense,

00:44:34

but how did we discover each other?"

00:44:36

We discovered each other because

00:44:37

we were working on the same mission.

00:44:40

And while we were doing that, we kind of were like,

00:44:43

"Oh, you, oh, I noticed you, like,

00:44:47

you kind of follow Jesus like I do.

00:44:49

You kind of care about some of the same things I do.

00:44:51

You kind of have some of the same gifts that I do."

00:44:53

And while we were moving in the Kingdom of God

00:44:58

on the mission of Christ, like, with other believers,

00:45:00

we're like, "Oh, you. That's interesting.

00:45:03

I wonder, I wonder if we should know each other."

00:45:07

Yeah. The answer is we definitely should have.

00:45:10

And now, years later, she's actually, um,

00:45:13

she actually mentors one of my daughters

00:45:15

who would have been like a baby at the time that I met her.

00:45:18

You never know what God has planned

00:45:20

for these kinds of relationships,

00:45:23

and you can't foresee them, all you can do

00:45:26

is begin moving in His mission

00:45:29

and start to look around and go,

00:45:31

"Who else are You bringing around me?"

00:45:33

And here's the thing about the gospel,

00:45:36

it really doesn't care what your personal preferences are.

00:45:42

When the gospel binds us to people,

00:45:46

it's not people necessarily like us at all.

00:45:50

Why would that be?

00:45:51

Well, let's think about what the the gospel actually is.

00:45:56

When we receive as truth that the Son of God

00:46:00

took on flesh, came to earth, lived a perfect life,

00:46:05

died on the Cross in our place for our sins,

00:46:09

rose from the dead to welcome us into

00:46:13

the eternal life of God

00:46:15

by the presence of His Spirit within us.

00:46:19

And that spirit is in every piece of His body,

00:46:26

every single believer, every single brother and sister

00:46:31

in Christ that you have has the same Spirit

00:46:34

bound together by the same love.

00:46:36

They really don't care if your algorithm

00:46:38

will feed you their social media page.

00:46:40

If they look like you, if they're your age,

00:46:42

if they're your life stage, if they have kids

00:46:44

and you don't, if they're single and you're married,

00:46:46

it does not matter.

00:46:49

The love of the gospel binds totally unlike people

00:46:53

into one mission with one commanding officer,

00:46:57

and begs us to participate in the amazing,

00:47:01

powerful life that that can actually bring.

00:47:04

And so many of us go through life and we're like,

00:47:08

"I went to church. They're fine, you know, nice people."

00:47:12

And then we go back to the real people

00:47:14

that we live our lives around.

00:47:16

What if the love of God was a different kind of love?

00:47:19

There's there's four different words for love in the Bible.

00:47:22

We only have one in the English language.

00:47:24

We gotta, you know, got to up our game here.

00:47:28

It's so helpful to realize that the love

00:47:31

that God has for His family it's called storge love.

00:47:37

It's a very specific kind of love.

00:47:40

It's an automatic bonded love, like.

00:47:44

From a parent to a child.

00:47:46

I don't love one of my kids more

00:47:48

because they have a certain kind of personality,

00:47:51

because they prefer certain things

00:47:53

or they like certain activities.

00:47:55

This is an automatic, completely bonded,

00:48:00

deep love through the Spirit of God.

00:48:02

That's the kind of love that brothers,

00:48:05

literal brothers and sisters, pieces of the body

00:48:09

share with one another.

00:48:11

It really -- I don't think God cared at all

00:48:15

that Hannah was much younger than me,

00:48:17

was single at the time. We had nothing alike.

00:48:20

We had no friends in common.

00:48:21

It just doesn't matter

00:48:23

in this realm of relationship in your life.

00:48:26

What God is concerned with is who He wants

00:48:28

to connect you to on His mission,

00:48:32

so that you experience the life that He actually has for you.

00:48:36

Comrades really aren't built primarily

00:48:38

on compatibility, but on covenant.

00:48:43

It's like this bonded promise from God

00:48:46

that you're together.

00:48:48

So if you want this realm of relationship in your life

00:48:53

to be more strategic, to develop over time,

00:48:58

there's one thing that we have to start doing,

00:49:01

and it's showing up, showing up in a very specific kind of way.

00:49:06

Now, I think we discourage we, when I say we,

00:49:10

I mean the like royal we here at Crossroads.

00:49:14

We say things like, show up and you'll find your people.

00:49:20

But how many of you have shown up somewhere

00:49:22

and you're like, they weren't here.

00:49:25

Whoever those people are, they weren't here.

00:49:29

Those people weren't my people, you know?

00:49:31

And that happens a lot.

00:49:32

And I think we accidentally discourage

00:49:35

the continual showing up to develop

00:49:38

these kinds of relationships in our life.

00:49:40

So I've rewritten it.

00:49:42

I'm going to give you a new version of it.

00:49:44

See how you feel about this one.

00:49:46

Show up consistently over a couple of years,

00:49:50

and you will discover an interesting collection

00:49:53

of 50 to 75 people who will slowly become

00:49:56

an unexpected, clarifying presence

00:49:58

and strength in your life.

00:49:59

But it's going to take a while.

00:50:02

How do we feel about that one?

00:50:04

Better? I don't know.

00:50:06

Do we like that better or not?

00:50:08

But that has actually honestly been

00:50:11

much closer to my experience.

00:50:13

But there are some very specific ways

00:50:15

that we can begin showing up for each other.

00:50:18

If you want comrades, you want this realm

00:50:20

of personal network in the Kingdom of God,

00:50:24

you've got to show up.

00:50:26

And I just have to say a word too.

00:50:29

I'm a Gen Xer and I'm noticing something below Gen X,

00:50:35

all y'all, we've softened what it means to show up.

00:50:43

Now, if you give a Boomer an RSVP, they're doing it.

00:50:47

They're gonna. They're doing it.

00:50:48

They're going to check their calendar.

00:50:50

They're going to put it right there,

00:50:51

and they're going to tell you within 48 hours.

00:50:54

And if someone gets sick,

00:50:55

they're going to change the number.

00:50:58

That's a boomer RSVP if I've ever seen one. Yes.

00:51:02

Now below Gen X, not so sure.

00:51:07

RSVP? You mean you want me to tell you I'm going to come?

00:51:10

Now? Are you serious? Are you kidding me right now?

00:51:15

We had this babysitter for years

00:51:18

when my kids were little and we adored her.

00:51:20

She went off to college at one point

00:51:21

and we went to visit her.

00:51:22

And we were just talking about college life

00:51:24

and how it worked.

00:51:26

And I made the comment to her at the time that

00:51:28

my husband and I went to college when no one had a phone.

00:51:32

Like, you didn't walk around with a phone.

00:51:34

And she goes, "How did you find your friends when you went out?"

00:51:41

And I said, "Now, hold on. Brace yourself. Brace yourself.

00:51:45

I'm going to tell you the secret."

00:51:48

And I said, "We made a plan,

00:51:51

and then we showed up."

00:51:54

And she goes, "No, that would never work."

00:51:59

And I said -- she goes, "You mean that, like,

00:52:03

you just decided and that was it?"

00:52:06

And I was like, "We did.

00:52:09

We just said, 'I'll see you at Mack and Joe's at 11.'"

00:52:11

And she goes, "Well, what happens if they didn't come?"

00:52:14

I was like, "Well, then sorry."

00:52:16

She goes, "You mean if they were like

00:52:18

somewhere else in the bar, it was crowded

00:52:20

and you never saw them, that was it?"

00:52:21

I was like, "That was it."

00:52:24

She's like, "Again, definitely wouldn't work."

00:52:28

We had the funniest conversation.

00:52:30

There's like there's -- we don't --

00:52:32

We've softened what it means to kind of actually

00:52:35

show up somewhere and our devices aren't really helping us

00:52:38

because they, you know, they let us like,

00:52:41

you know, we can reach anybody, anytime, any place.

00:52:44

You don't really have to commit.

00:52:45

We'll see. It'll be later. I don't know, maybe.

00:52:49

Future you needs to know what it looks like

00:52:53

to show up in actually all of those spaces.

00:52:56

But we're particularly talking about what it means

00:52:58

to show up as a comrade, as somebody who's

00:53:02

trying to grow relationship in the Kingdom of God.

00:53:05

There's a few verses in the book of Romans 12

00:53:08

that Paul writes,

00:53:09

and I'm going to highlight four of these verses.

00:53:12

The whole passage is great.

00:53:13

He says a lot of different things,

00:53:15

but I think these four verses contain some insight

00:53:17

into our biggest opportunities,

00:53:19

given like the culture we live in.

00:53:21

If we want these kind of relationships,

00:53:23

what sort of seeds should we be planting?

00:53:25

Now, Paul has just said, at this point in time

00:53:28

in the book of Romans, he's just kind of reminded them,

00:53:31

you're part of a body.

00:53:33

You're part of a family of God.

00:53:35

And then he says this:

00:53:37

Love one another with brotherly affection.

00:53:40

Outdo one another in showing honor.

00:53:42

Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit,

00:53:45

serve the Lord.

00:53:48

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation,

00:53:49

be constant in prayer.

00:53:52

Contribute to the needs of the saints

00:53:54

and seek to show hospitality.

00:53:58

He goes on to say some other things,

00:54:01

but these four verses encapsulate, I think,

00:54:03

what might be our biggest opportunity

00:54:05

to start planting seeds,

00:54:06

to start showing up in these spaces

00:54:09

so we've got something good that's growing.

00:54:12

The first thing he says is

00:54:13

love one another with brotherly affection.

00:54:15

I'll give you three guesses as to what kind of love

00:54:19

he's referring to.

00:54:21

You're only going to need one. It's storge love.

00:54:23

It's the bonded, connected, automatic love of God

00:54:27

that flows through His family.

00:54:31

Love one another like this.

00:54:33

And then the words that he gives here,

00:54:35

they are not emotional words.

00:54:40

They're not showing up emotionally for somebody.

00:54:44

I think that's great.

00:54:46

I'm sure it's embedded in part of what's going on here,

00:54:49

but what he chooses are effort, energy, action language.

00:54:54

He says, outdo, honor, serve, contribute,

00:54:58

show hospitality.

00:54:59

He's talking about actually doing the work

00:55:03

of the Kingdom of God together.

00:55:06

Now, the things that he names here happen to also,

00:55:08

interestingly, be -- they appear in a different form

00:55:11

on other lists that Paul writes, gifts of the Spirit.

00:55:14

So he's basically saying the gifts of the Spirit like

00:55:17

hospitality, prayer, compassion, giving, service.

00:55:20

These are things that the Spirit of God

00:55:23

that runs through the family actually empowers us to do,

00:55:27

and we just start doing them together.

00:55:31

And as we do them, comrades are not so much chosen.

00:55:35

We're not -- Remember, we're not auditioning

00:55:37

and selecting the ones we like.

00:55:40

They're revealed to us as we do that.

00:55:44

As we begin to use the gifts that the Spirit

00:55:47

empowers us to do, and we actually show up to do them,

00:55:51

that's when we begin to have revealed to us,

00:55:54

like, oh, that's one of your people.

00:55:57

It's not so much about chemistry as it is

00:55:59

about consistently showing up.

00:56:02

Now I'm going to go super old school right now

00:56:04

and say, I love a Zoom as much as the next gal.

00:56:09

I like the flexibility that sometimes online gives us.

00:56:12

It's definitely a blessing in some ways.

00:56:14

It is not a blessing to these relationships.

00:56:19

We need to actually be around one another,

00:56:22

doing the things of the Kingdom of God together

00:56:25

in order to develop this relationship realm in our life.

00:56:32

And so where your feet are

00:56:34

is where you're going to find those people.

00:56:39

I found one of them really unexpectedly.

00:56:43

I would call him a comrade of our family.

00:56:46

We got to know him years ago. His name is Kent.

00:56:48

This is Kent, and that's him with my oldest son

00:56:51

a handful of years back.

00:56:53

And, yes, they're holding a fathead.

00:56:54

My son was a senior.

00:56:55

I'm the kind of mom that makes fatheads your senior year

00:56:58

and shows up and waves them around at things.

00:57:01

That was, I think, his 18th birthday dinner.

00:57:03

So we had met Kent years before that,

00:57:05

and we would pick up our kids from

00:57:07

the fourth, fifth grade room, or one of our kids

00:57:09

was in the room at the time,

00:57:11

from the fourth, fifth grade room at Crossroads East Side.

00:57:13

And so every, every time we would come to pick them up,

00:57:16

Kent would be at the door.

00:57:17

He was a regular volunteer in that room.

00:57:18

And, you know, they got to find their shoes

00:57:20

or their friend or whatever, so you exchange pleasantries.

00:57:23

So we got to know Kent's face and name that way.

00:57:26

And then he moved over and his volunteering

00:57:28

was in high school ministry about the time

00:57:30

that that son was in high school

00:57:32

and he began to come to his basketball games.

00:57:36

Probably his sophomore year, I'm going to guess.

00:57:38

Definitely several seasons in a row.

00:57:40

So Kent starts showing up at the basketball game.

00:57:42

Let me describe the progression for you.

00:57:44

First season it was like, "Oh, there's that guy from church.

00:57:50

Oh hey what's up?"

00:57:53

And he would be there all the time, every game.

00:57:56

And I thought, "Oh, that's really nice.

00:57:58

I think he's coming to watch Andrew.

00:58:00

That's super cool. Nice guy, probably. But hey."

00:58:07

Second season it was more like, "Um, this is our friend Kent."

00:58:12

And we would sit together more often than not,

00:58:14

small talk, you know, we learned what did he do?"

00:58:18

You know, where is he coming from?

00:58:19

Where's he going? What's his family like?

00:58:21

You know, just small talk.

00:58:23

And by the third season, my husband or myself

00:58:26

would text him from the parking lot like,

00:58:28

"We're running late. Can you save us seats?

00:58:30

And also, don't get under the blower.

00:58:32

I hate it when it blows on my hair."

00:58:33

And, you know, just like, "What are you doing after?

00:58:36

We're really hungry. We forgot to eat.

00:58:37

Do you want to go get some pizza with us?"

00:58:39

And now he, like, makes us cheesecakes on our birthdays

00:58:42

and stays in our house while we go on vacation.

00:58:44

You know, how did that happen?

00:58:46

Well, he showed up. He just started showing up.

00:58:52

And it's crazy how that happens

00:58:54

because what was he doing?

00:58:55

It's interesting we met him as a weekly volunteer.

00:58:57

I'm not sure exactly what he would say

00:58:59

if you asked him, like, what gifts he thought he had.

00:59:01

But clearly a student thing, you know,

00:59:04

fourth, fifth grade, high school,

00:59:05

he's just showing up doing the things,

00:59:08

presumably that, you know, he can do

00:59:11

inside the church on God's mission.

00:59:17

I don't know what language he would use for it.

00:59:19

And boom, there's people next to him all of a sudden.

00:59:25

And we got to kind of pick him up and carry him along with us.

00:59:30

That's sort of how God develops this network of people

00:59:34

or this personal network in the Kingdom of God.

00:59:37

What did Paul say? You're part of the body of Christ.

00:59:42

Well, we all want to know what we can do with our life.

00:59:45

And Paul's answer is, you're a body part.

00:59:49

Start being your body part and look around.

00:59:53

These are the people that I want to connect you to.

00:59:56

I think that God is constantly telling us that.

00:59:58

Now, women, Crossroads women, I have an invitation

01:00:02

for you to develop these relationships one step further,

01:00:06

and it's at the Ignite Conference

01:00:08

coming up in a handful of weeks.

01:00:10

It's on June 6th.

01:00:11

Crossroads East Side is a host site this year.

01:00:14

And that's exactly what we're doing.

01:00:16

One day, not even a whole day.

01:00:19

And what we're going to be doing is asking:

01:00:21

what has God equipped me to do,

01:00:23

and how can we coach and encourage each other

01:00:25

to take steps forward and actually do that?

01:00:27

And oh, by the way, there's going to be

01:00:29

like 2000 other women who are trying to live

01:00:32

the kind of life that you're trying to live.

01:00:34

Why don't you come?

01:00:37

Like, why don't you take a step and see,

01:00:39

maybe God will have somebody there that day

01:00:42

that He intends to connect you to

01:00:44

as part of your Kingdom network.

01:00:48

We've had those stories all the last couple of years

01:00:51

when we've done that conference,

01:00:52

because that's exactly what we're there to do.

01:00:55

We need to experiment.

01:00:56

It's okay not to know what body part you are.

01:00:58

Just start experimenting, and something actually

01:01:02

kind of incredible happens when you show up

01:01:04

consistently, in person, with your gifts.

01:01:07

There's this net that gets kind of pulled together

01:01:12

under your life, that's how I would describe it.

01:01:14

My honest to goodness experience, kind of,

01:01:17

with this realm of relationship over the last 20 years,

01:01:21

is that I try something and it might fit,

01:01:25

or I might discover something,

01:01:26

but I usually find a person to take with me.

01:01:30

I was a student ministry volunteer.

01:01:33

Middle school is maybe not quite my vibe,

01:01:38

but I learned in that space I love to teach,

01:01:41

and I also picked up a couple of young women

01:01:43

who are still in my life today.

01:01:44

I was a greeter here for a while, and I learned

01:01:48

that some of you want to hug everybody.

01:01:51

I only want to hug some of you.

01:01:55

But I learned powerful, powerful to begin to see the same faces.

01:02:03

We tend to come through the same door.

01:02:05

I'll bet you're sitting in the same section.

01:02:07

You know, I'll bet you're --

01:02:08

I bet you're with the same people.

01:02:10

If you're at a site or you're online,

01:02:12

I'll bet you're doing it the same way

01:02:14

you usually do it and you begin to experience like,

01:02:17

oh, this is interesting.

01:02:20

And the waves of loneliness that come at all of us,

01:02:23

do you know that if you ask someone,

01:02:25

they would absolutely verify that the same voice

01:02:28

that talks to you, talks to them.

01:02:29

You're alone. Nobody knows if you're here.

01:02:32

Nobody cares what you do.

01:02:35

That voice comes at all of us.

01:02:36

It makes a run at every single person

01:02:39

in every single life.

01:02:40

And the more I showed up and allowed God

01:02:43

to begin to connect this network in my life,

01:02:46

the more reluctant I was to believe that.

01:02:50

Because even if I was lonely in some way,

01:02:54

I began to see, like, I have this net

01:02:57

that's being woven under my life of people

01:03:00

that I'm beginning to take with me

01:03:02

as this network in the Kingdom.

01:03:06

I went to Woman Camp this last year.

01:03:07

I'll share this picture with you.

01:03:10

I've been at most, I think almost every Woman Camp,

01:03:14

and most of them I am working.

01:03:16

But I'm also experiencing camp too.

01:03:18

And I had a campsite this year

01:03:20

and it was some people that were also working camp,

01:03:23

but we took fire time just like everybody does at camp.

01:03:26

And there was just some awesome stuff

01:03:28

that happened around our fire, and I thought,

01:03:30

"There's something special about the connection

01:03:33

that this campsite is experiencing.

01:03:35

I wonder if I could just carry some of these women with me.

01:03:39

Like, I wonder what God will do."

01:03:41

And I've learned to be on the lookout for it now.

01:03:44

And I experienced something.

01:03:46

I was like, God is, I think, connecting us

01:03:47

in an interesting way.

01:03:49

So I have a fire pit and I thought,

01:03:51

they can just come to my house.

01:03:52

We'll just have another fire.

01:03:54

I didn't have a big plan.

01:03:55

I just invited them over.

01:03:56

And so we did that a few times through the fall

01:03:59

after Woman Camp.

01:04:01

And you know, we're not alike at all.

01:04:05

A couple of us are married.

01:04:06

A couple of those people are single.

01:04:07

Some of us have kids, some of us don't.

01:04:12

We're different ethnicities.

01:04:13

We had different jobs at camp,

01:04:15

and yet the Lord was doing something interesting

01:04:17

connecting our lives.

01:04:18

One of them is from far away

01:04:20

and just moved here not too long ago,

01:04:21

and ended up spending Thanksgiving with our family

01:04:23

because they couldn't --

01:04:24

They couldn't make it home to their own.

01:04:27

One more step.

01:04:29

So God begins to tie these relationships together

01:04:32

so that we experience increasingly this strength

01:04:38

of this network in His Kingdom.

01:04:41

And it's all from showing up,

01:04:44

deciding who God is pulling out of the crowd to us

01:04:48

and just taking that person one step further.

01:04:52

I have a final encouragement from the book of Galatians,

01:04:55

same guy, Paul, that we've read in the book of Romans.

01:04:58

He says this, he kind of doubles down

01:05:00

on some of these same concepts.

01:05:01

We heard this at the beginning.

01:05:03

And let us not grow weary of doing good,

01:05:07

for in due season we will reap. If we do not give up.

01:05:12

So then, as we have opportunity,

01:05:14

let us do good to everyone,

01:05:16

and especially to those who are in the household of faith.

01:05:19

Who's the household of faith?

01:05:20

Your brothers and sisters in Christ.

01:05:23

Paul is saying, if you keep doing good,

01:05:26

you keep showing up, you keep after that group of people,

01:05:31

you will reap, there will be a harvest,

01:05:34

there will be a network, there will be a community,

01:05:37

there will be days where your relationships

01:05:40

are deeper, less lonely, and much, much, much more fruitful.

01:05:44

That's what God wants for us.

01:05:46

And so I know that this is the kind of message

01:05:49

where you get to the end and you're like,

01:05:51

"I should totally do that. Let's do it."

01:05:57

And then we leave. I don't want that.

01:06:00

Instead, I want you to walk out with one tiny little seed.

01:06:06

So I'm going to give you about 15 seconds, 25 seconds

01:06:11

to ask God, just quietly by yourself,

01:06:14

what is the one seed that you want me to plant

01:06:17

for those kind of relationships to grow in my life?

01:06:20

Because it could be anything.

01:06:24

Only He sees what's coming in 5, 10, 20 years.

01:06:28

You and I have no idea, but if we ask Him,

01:06:31

He'll tell us the seed. So let's do that.

01:06:59

Father, I ask that You would be very specific,

01:07:02

very specific about one tiny little seed

01:07:09

for each of us that You know what it's going to grow,

01:07:12

we don't see, but You see.

01:07:16

And help us to do what it is that we need to do

01:07:19

to plant that seed and water and tend it

01:07:24

and believe that You have a harvest for us.

01:07:26

Lord, I believe that.

01:07:28

I know that You want us connected to You

01:07:33

and to one another, and to expand Your Kingdom together.

01:07:37

Lord, would you bring those relationships

01:07:38

into full bloom in our life? In Jesus's name, Amen.

01:07:42

- I want you to experience the hope

01:07:44

and the fullness of God's plan for you relationally,

01:07:48

of the good things that He wants those seeds

01:07:49

that you're planting to grow into.

01:07:51

There's any way that myself or the team, can encourage you

01:07:54

or pray for you in that, we'd love to do it.

01:07:57

You can go to the website, crossroads.net,

01:07:59

hit the chat button, or just shoot us an email

01:08:01

at Anywhere@crossroads.net.

01:08:03

We'd love to encourage you,

01:08:04

connect with you any way that we can.

01:08:06

Now lastly, just a quick reminder:

01:08:08

Go Day coming up May 16th.

01:08:10

We'd love for you to join us in making an impact

01:08:12

in serving all over the map.

01:08:14

All the details: Crossroads.net/anywhere.

01:08:17

Thanks so much for watching.

01:08:18

We'll see you next week at Crossroads.

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