Emotions have always been something that have been difficult for me because I didn’t understand them.
My lowest low came at 16 when I attempted suicide, but after nearly a decade of counseling and growth, I can look back on many different moments in my life that could have been devastating to me where I have chosen not to view them as a barrier but as a bridge to the next part of my life. Those moments have pushed me into something else I needed to do.
I refer to God as “Baba,” which means “daddy,” because that’s what I want him to be to me, and during this time of quarantine he has led me to lean into that idea of my circumstances being a bridge. Instead of isolating and avoiding using technology that I don’t enjoy, I’ve pushed myself to reach out to friends online and through video chats. He has also reminded me that everything I’m feeling in a certain moment is OK, which is such a relief! He says, “It’s not a matter of right or wrong and I’m not going to try to change it. I’ll let you sit in what you’re in right now.” Baba wants me to sit in my feelings right now and understand what he’s saying to me about who I am and what He has for me.
If I had been going through this 20 years ago, I wouldn’t be seeing any good or positive outcome, but now I know who my hope lies in and that gets me through. -Janel H.