Embrace the Season Your Family Is Actually In

Transitions are hard.

Like spring turning into summer, or deciding to leave one job for another, or hearing your doctor patiently explain to you that no, it’s NOT ok to maintain a 29-year-old’s diet and sleep habits now that you have a 39-year-old body—at some point, we all have to face the simple fact that time keeps on passing by.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s inconvenient, even.

But if you want to win at anything in life—especially parenting your kid as they grow—the key is to embrace the season you’re actually in, not the one you wish you were in.

Bright(?) Futures Ahead

Sometimes, we long for an imaginary future with fewer responsibilities, more freedom, and somehow a whole lot more money (despite not really, you know, working for a living). We fantasize about vacations we want to take. We envision our kids’ college or career choices. Or, in the less-distant future, we anticipate our kids having more autonomy and self-sufficiency—driving themselves to practice and spending their own cash instead of ours.

(Wait. Driving themselves…that sounds scary. And you’re telling me my insurance payment goes up?! So they’re still spending my money! What the what?)

Yep. You’re not alone in that feeling (whose name is anxiety, by the way). It’s a universal parenting experience: despite all our plans and ideas, there’s a greater story in the works. That takes trust.

And if we’re honest, we know if those wonderful daydreams of the future one day come true, our joy will be bittersweet. Our kids will depend on us less…but then that means, shoot, do they need us less? They’ll grow, just like Jesus did, “in wisdom and in stature”—but that also means they’ll call us out on our disagreements, just like Jesus did.

Yep. Transitions are hard.

Remember When…

So maybe, to counteract the inevitable disappointments of the future (or let’s be honest, the present), we develop a rose-colored picture of the past. Everything was easier and simpler, we say to ourselves, back when my kid was (insert age here). Before they could walk. Or talk. Or hack the impenetrable parental controls on an iPad.* (*seriously, why do those security measures suck so badly?)

But the funny (and disturbing) thing about the past is that every time we recall it, our brains slightly change it. And it’s possible over time to invent a past which never really happened, a past that, go figure, has a lot in common with that imaginary future we were just talking about. More money. Fewer problems.

The grass is always greener on the other side, as the saying goes. And maybe it’s never a lovelier shade of green than when the season our family is actually in, is more accurately a season in-between seasons: a transitional season.(I dare you to say “season” one more time, Chris.)

Shifting Seasons

Here’s the kind of family-in-transition I see all the time in my work with kids and families in our church.

A concerned dad tells me that his daughter, who’s just “moved up” to the Fifth Grade (the oldest age in our kids’ ministry), has suddenly decided she doesn’t want to go to church anymore. When asked, she tells her dad it’s because “she doesn’t know anyone” in a room that’s 90% the same kids every weekend.

A disappointed mom emails her pastor, wondering why kids don’t get snacktime the way they did in Preschool. Her Kindergartener complains that his hunger gets in the way of paying attention in church.

A family has faithfully attended and helped lead our church’s Family Camp for nearly 20 years. Their kids quite literally grew up doing Family Camp each year. This year, though, with the oldest two at college in different states, the youngest tells her parents around the campfire: “It’s just not Family Camp without them.”

Do you feel the loss in those stories? The longing?

Ever felt that way, too?

As parents, it’s important that we become as self-aware as possible. If we are unaware of our past, the way we were parented tends to show up in how we parent our own kids. On the flip side, not being aware of what’s going on with us now can make it that much harder to engage fully with our own kids. (Ahh, so it’s like one of those “put on your own air mask before helping your kid put on theirs” type situations. Got it.)

Look Up For Help

If we aren’t up to speed on what’s going on with us, it’s that much harder to empathize and offer love and guidance to our kid, who’s also trying to figure out what’s going on with them. And as much as our kids might speak up when they’re facing a new season of life (or withdraw, as is often the case with huge transitions like puberty or entering middle school), it’s good to remember we are allowed to speak up, too.

Parents, we are allowed to ask for help. From a counselor. From a grandparent. From a trusted friend who’s a few years ahead of us in this crazy, exhilarating journey called parenthood.*

(And just in case you start thinking, “Asking people for help kinda wigs me out, though, so I’ll just ask Chat GPT”, I say to you, Good Parent, for the love of all that’s holy in the wonderful world God made…don’t ask A.I. about this stuff. Stick to real humans for the questions about, you know, human stuff. No language model ever raised a kid. (No offense, Future Robot Overlords.))

Daunting as it may be, choose people to trust, and choose carefully—do you respect how they parent? Does the therapist really understand today’s approach to emotional health? Do the grandparents support and respect what you want for your kids? Do they know and follow Jesus?

For that matter, we’re allowed to talk to Jesus about it. He encourages us to, as a matter of fact. (See Matthew 6 and 7, Luke 10, and Mark 11.) You may just find He wants to say something to you in return.

And just in case the idea of hearing straight from the mouth of Jesus seems as exciting as your annual employee review, remember who we’re talking about here. Jesus. The Dude who knows everything about you and chose to die for you anyway. The Son of God who emptied himself and became “gentle and lowly and humble of heart.” The One who kicked death’s butt when he rose again, which means he kind of has the power to conquer anything that stands against us—like timeless feelings of inadequacy, regret, and impatience. Not to mention all the complicated new crap our kids and we face these days (tech addiction, academic/success pressure, childhood hyper-sexualization…oh, yep, there’s that anxiety again).

All that? That’s Jesus’ business. He’s a pro. His ways are not our ways. He can handle anything we throw at him. It takes time, and it also takes effort.

Effort? You mean there’s something for ME to do in all this?

You bet. If we’re going to embrace the season our families are actually in—not the imaginary future ones or misremembered past ones—here are a few simple ways to get our minds and hearts in the right place.

• Give this season a name. You can do this by yourself, with a spouse, or with your kids. Say it out loud: “Right now, our family is in a season of…” There’s power in naming what’s real, and affirming that reality. Mister Rogers was right: “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.”
• Grieve what’s past. Gratitude doesn’t mean grief disappears. Sometimes they intermingle. That baby stage you miss so much? It was a gift, wasn’t it? That age when they idolized you and believed every word you said? It’s OK that you miss how strong and admired it made you feel. You can appreciate the past, its sweet memories, and its deep connection.
• Spot new growth. Every new season brings something good into the world. What’s good and new in your kid these days? Confidence, curiosity, charisma? Opinions (maybe nothing but opinions)? Have you told them the good you see in them lately? Try it. You might like it! Turns out, encouraging kids for even the smallest steps of growth will build their confidence in themselves—and in you!
• Tweak one expectation. Instead of trying to parent through this season using tools of the past, pick one thing—big or small—and make a change—big or small. Maybe bedtime moves back an hour. Maybe you shift the drop-off routine at church. Maybe you let them struggle through something on their own so they decide when to ask for help.
• Bring Jesus in. I’ll leave you with a passage from a book (Gentle and Lowly, Dale Ortlund) that took my breath away recently: “What is it that the children whom we greet in the hallways of our church need? Most deeply? Yes, they need friends, and encouragement, and academic support, and good square meals. But it might be that the truest need, the thing that will sustain and oxygenate them when all these other vital needs go unmet, is a sense of the attractiveness of who Jesus is for them? How He actually feels about them?…Our goal is that our kids would…be unable to live the rest of their lives believing that their sins and sufferings repel Christ.”

As you navigate whatever season you’re in, Good Parent, it’s good to remember that although our lives are in a constant state of change, we can hold fast to the One who never changes.

To learn more about Family Camp, click here. To learn more about parenting cohorts, click here. To follow Kids’ Club (YT, IG, FB), click those links.

Disclaimer: This article is 100% human-generated.

Reflections to share? Got an idea for an article? Email us at articles@crossroads.net

At Crossroads, we major on the majors and minor on the minors. We welcome a diverse community of people who all agree that Jesus is Lord and Savior, even if they view minor theological and faith topics in different ways based on their unique experiences. Our various authors embody that principle, and we approach you, our reader, in the same fashion. You don’t have to agree with every detail of any article you see here to be part of this community or pursue faith. Chances are even our whole staff doesn’t even agree with every detail of what you just read. We are okay with that tension. And we think God is okay with that, too. The foundation of everything we do is a conviction that the Bible is true and that accepting Jesus is who he said he is leads to a healthy life of purpose and adventure—and eternal life with God.